Realization and Resistance
by ResonanceOfWisdom
Summary: Series of songfics beginning with and following Lexicon of Love. More summary inside, if you're interested. Review and tell me if you want more. Palex. COMPLETE
1. 1 Realization

**Rating:** T  
**Pairing:** Palex

**Just after Lexicon of Love part 1 and goes into Lexicon of Love part 2**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing of Degrassi. It all belongs to the creator…of course the name of whom I do not know. The lyrics are from Destiny by Syntax. Some quotes from Lexicon of Love part 2 are used in this chapter. I tired to make them as they were in the show, but I think I jumbled up a couple. Let me know, k?

**A/N:** This is my first Degrassi fan fiction. Yeah, I lied about the other one I posted being my first, but this was incomplete until now. So in a way it is and ISN'T my first. So please tell me everything I'm doing wrong and please, by god, help me to know how I can FIX what it wrong. I love Palex. I had seen hardly any Degrassi until my girlfriend started babbling about it so I thought I should watch more. After seeing most from a bit before Lexicon of Love and onward, I've been watching every rerun I can get my hands on. So don't worry, I shall improve.

**Realization**

**This is my Destiny only child  
****Come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild  
****This is my selection when I'm sure  
****Not looking for deception like before  
****Beautiful creation I adore  
****This sensation never… felt before**

Paige Michalchuk tore into her Thai Noodles, courtesy of Costco. The microwavable box of yummy cuisine wasn't her typical choice of dinner, but right now it was her jumbo cup of tea. One cup of water in a cardboard box mixed with noodles, some sort of marinade, and peanuts micro-waved for four minutes didn't sound that great, but really! It was a hell of a comfort food.

_I'm sitting on my **couch** eating noodles from a cardboard box because of a stupid god damned kiss! What is wrong with me?_ She sighed in frustration and firmly (almost angrily) pushed her late night meal down onto the coffee table. _I liked it, didn't I? I'd been almost hoping for it the entire night._

She flashed back to the premier she'd only just been at with Alex Nunez. The feel of the slightly taller girl's body pressed against her own black shirt and jean clad body still sent shivers of confusion and excitement through her. She recalled, even before their dancing, when they took seats in the theater that she'd longed to feel Alex's lips on her own as fingers brushed stray strands of hair from her face.

_No. I'm head cheerleader. I'm popular and I have a reputation to uphold. I can't lose that respect; I'm not supposed to. _"Alex…Alex…god damn you for choosing now of all times to strike up chaos," she suddenly regretted any bad feelings towards the brunette for bringing out unacceptable feelings in her. The voices of Emily Nunez and her boyfriend Chad yelling at each other, and then the images of them running into Alex's living room while Alex tried to hurry Paige out to safety.

**How can I change the path that I'm on?  
****This is my _destiny…  
_****This is my life my own right or wrong  
****Bring it on back to me…  
****How can I say what it is that I want?  
****Wisdom: speak to me…  
****Life is sweet then the moment is gone **

**This is my _destiny_**

A crash interrupted those thoughts and at first she told herself that she was just remembering the vivid sounds and sights of Alex being shoved over a table and onto the floor but then a gasp of "Oh shit!" brought her back to reality. "It's dark. I came down to get some water," _speak of the devil._ Alex fidgeted nervously, wringing her hands. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"Glasses are in the cupboard above the faucet," Paige glanced at her noodles, suddenly without an appetite at all. Deciding to just not say anything to the hovering Alex, the blonde rolled over onto the couch and pulled up her blanket.

"Paige…" Alex shook her head. A few minutes of standing and waiting for a response from her friend turned out fruitless, so she went into the kitchen, took a glass and filled it with water. "We have to talk about this some time, Paige." _I can fix this,_ was the thought that was left unsaid.

* * *

Sunlight screamed through the window, spurring Alex into full-fledged awake-ness. "Who's the evil genius who made morning so friggin bright?" She grinned; eyes closed, and ran her hands through her hair. She knew it would be awkward between her and Paige, but she figured "light and happy" would be a better way to greet the blonde than "bitter and angry." 

"Probably the same evil genius who decided that there should be a school day after crazy movie premiers," Paige avoided eye contact with Alex while she ruffled through her drawers and rushed about her room, getting ready for school. She of course didn't realize that Alex had been saying something until it registered that the girl in her bed had referred to the word 'crazy' as a verb. "Adjective. And yes, considering I voluntarily slept on the downstairs couch." _I would have been safe with her in the room, I know that. She wouldn't push herself on me after I freaked out at what she did. Right?_

Alex mirrored that thought and Paige only felt more weirded out. _How does she know me like that?_ "We're late. I hate being late. Now, if only I could find my bus pass…The bus people should just give an implant or a…tattoo, and then I could save so much…"

"Paige, it's me Alex. Your friend," Alex was now sitting upright on the bed, watching Paige. She'd obviously been trying to get the blonde's attention for awhile. "Can you please just talk to me?"

**This is my intention; hear me now  
****Don't need correction; please me how  
****Breaking out the institution: crazy law  
****Aint no complication: live for more**

**This is my destiny only child  
****Come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild**

"I can't even begin to process what happened last night," finally Paige made with the eye contact. Her eyes sent passionate daggers into Alex. "From our Sister Act slut dance to the drama with your mom's boyfriend…" _You call that drama? I call it reality TV._ Alex's words rang through her ears. "That's not funny, this isn't funny! There's a girl in my bed, Alex, you! It's like I woke up in a movie with subtitles, the kind of movie I hate, and I can't deal with it right now," she turned back to her dresser away from Alex. "I can't deal with you."

Alex stood, blinking furiously back tears threatening to make an appearance. "Ok. I'm just going to go rub toothpaste on my teeth and then you can walk twenty paces ahead of me all the way to the bus stop."

**How can I change the path that I'm on?  
****This is my _destiny…  
_****This is my life my own right or wrong  
****Bring it on back to me…  
****How can I say what it is that I want?  
****Wisdom: speak to me…  
****Life is sweet then the moment is gone…  
****This is my _destiny..._**

**This is my _DESTINY!_**

**Come on and rescue me  
****'Cos I'm wild...**

**And I'm wild…**

Now the two of them stood outside Alex's door, hands clutching hands.

**Life is sweet then the moment is gone…  
****This is my _destiny..._**

**This is my _destiny…_**

**Come on and _rescue_ me  
****'Cos I'm wild.**

**This is my _destiny.

* * *

_**

A/N: My plan for this, if I am to continue, is to do each chapter with a different song. The last chapter will end with the same song as the first, but it may or may not fit in with the story the same way. This is my interpretation of what happened on Lexicon of Love parts 1 and 2. Next chapter (if you want it) will be the rest of part two and a lead into the third chapter (if you would want that too.) Review please! **It's up to you readers if this one shot will cease to be a one shot and become a story. It's your choice! I cannot emphasize that enough!**


	2. 2 Resistance

**Reviews:**

**AscaDuin: **You liked the extra parts that weren't in the episode? Well here's an entire chapter that's not in the episode! We are beyond Lexicon of Love now, and into my lovely continuation of the beautiful Palex! Enjoy.

**DushkusBitch: **As usual, I love enthusiastic reviews. Yours was quite enthusiastic, and much appreciated. It makes me feel like an author who isn't ignored. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that my writing brings people some pleasure in their lives.

**The T.M.: **Yes, the writers of Degrassi do suck for that one reason. They should die and burn in hell...no, wait. Then there would be no more Degrassi. That would be a problem. Oh well. At least they are kind enough to give my imagination the freedom to manipulate Palex into being what they should be! Thanks for reading!

**melleh1: **Yes, elaboration is a wonderful thing. Until it goes into a full on rant, then it can be annoying. That's why I'm going to try not to bore you folks. This chapter doesn't really go into the inner thoughts of the actual characters as much, but the next one will. This one is more of a "what the hell is going on" chapter. You'll like it.

**WolfkidX: **I saved your review for last for a reason. You are a hyperactive freak, or so the manner in which your review was written would say so. I like that kind of review. Disturbed nerds with no better use of their time are cool dudes. I'm a disturbed nerd with no better use of my time. Why else would I be indulging in my obsessions by writing this stuff? Thanks for your review. Here's your "Story! Story! Story!"

**A/N:** The song in this is Another Suitcase in Another Hall from the musical Evita. The part in plain _italics_ is sung by one person and the part in **bold _italics_** is sung by another, in the background. Just a little added bit of info I thought I'd throw in.

**Part 2: Resistance**

_  
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long  
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true  
Being used to trouble I anticipate it  
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?_

It was a new day at Degrassi Community School. Alex and Paige had woken up in each others arms at Paige's house. Alex had decided, with help from Paige's insistence, to stay out of her apartment for a while. The only other option was Paige's and Alex preferred the latter. It meant more time to spend with the object of her affection, who might possibly be her girlfriend…if she wanted to be.

So it was her second night in a row on Paige's bed, and this time the blonde was with her. They woke up in each other's arms smiling. It was two days after the premier, but it seemed like ages. That day afterwards when they met in the laneway had passed so slowly and painfully for both of them, with confusion piled on by the ton. The pain was less now, and the confusion as well, but things were still fuzzy and questions still needed answers.

As Alex walked into Degrassi arm in arm with Paige, she wondered how long she could get away with living outside her mom and Chad's apartment. She wondered if she and Paige could get through the impending tests of peer pressure and ridicule together and still be in one piece as a couple. But most importantly was that she wondered how long she could make this new happy life of hers last. She was becoming a new person, leaving her old self behind, but she held onto this creeping fear of going back into the depths of her depression. Paige was slowly bringing her into happiness, but still: fear was fear._  
_

_So what happens now?  
**Another** **suitcase in another hall **  
So what happens now?  
**Take your picture off another wall **  
Where am I going to?  
**You'll get by, you always have before **  
Where am I going to?_

Looks greeted them in the hallways. The glances at Paige were half made in slight mockery of her botched cheer improvisation at the Kevin Smith assembly, and half in shock at her nerve to show up and prove right the rumors surrounding her and Alex. The Looks given to Alex were in disdain and disbelief. No one could even begin to fathom how and why the trailer trash reject/bully of Degrassi could have managed to get the most popular 'straight' girl to go out with her. It seemed a little iffy to them, as if it was all for show and couldn't be true.

Really, though, the two girls tried not to pay much heed to the attention they received as the strolled together to their first class. It was just a test they needed to get through if they were going to make it through the early stages of their relationship and on into couple-hood. So they kept up their attempt to show their peers that the comments and whatnot were not getting to them. But even so, it was discomforting that people could be so hateful. 

Time and time again I've said that I don't care  
_That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through  
__But every time it matters all my words desert me  
__So anyone can hurt me, and they do _

When they got to class they found seats next to each other, reserved thoughtfully by Marco. Whispers and mutterings filled each corner, and paranoia mixed with logic told Paige and Alex it was about them. The rumors weren't new to the school, but the truth to them was. They began first at the VIP party, continued with the secret laneway meeting, and then were pushed along by the emotional argument in the hallway. Now the truth to the matter was striking up more of an interest than the rumors.

"Paige is a dyke?" Some said. While others whispered: "She could at least do better than that…that low class trash." The gay and bi crowd was patting them on the back, (verbally of course), with whispers and knowing smiles of: "Good for you for trying to be open." It showed that there were people who believed love could exist without labels._  
_

_So what happens now?  
**Another** **suitcase in another hall **  
So what happens now?  
**Take your picture off another wall **  
Where am I going to?  
**You'll get by, you always have before **  
Where am I going to?_

Still there existed the balls of paper thrown from behind with crude messages scribbled messily: "Hope you won't mind being pushed from the Spirit Squad. No one wants a cheerleader at the bottom of a pyramid looking up skirts." And there was the occasional "No wonder your parents are drunks; no wonder they keep kicking you out. They don't want a disgrace in _their_ household…if that's what you can even call that dump." They also received one that said: "You don't belong in this school."

The first period ended and they were already having some doubts as they took refuge in a bathroom on the way to their next class. Paige and Alex went into separate stalls and waited until they were positive they were alone and joined each other in front of the sinks.

Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know  
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow  
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion  
But that's no consolation here and now.

"Paige, maybe you were right. Maybe we can't deal with it. Maybe it's not worth it," Alex sighed and looked away. "You know, I used to think what others thought didn't matter. I still think that, but it's when they try to use it to hurt me that it gets to me. And when they try to use it to hurt people I care about: namely you."

"Alex, what are you saying?" Paige shook her head. "You put me through hell yesterday telling me not to care what others think: that if I like you, I shouldn't hide it." The blonde pulled Alex into her arms and kissed her. "I'm not trying to guilt you into staying with me. If you don't want us to be together, just tell me. I want to give you what you want, what you need."

"I just don't want to see you in pain, Paige. We'll both go through more shit than we both deserve if we try to stick this through," Alex sighed again and gave Paige a quick kiss on the lips before nuzzling against her neck. "The world can be so damned ignorant," her words were muffled by Paige's soft hair; it smelled like strawberries. "I also don't want to be a hassle to you," Alex said, finally getting her major thoughts off of her chest. "Your parents are bound to soon ask about why I'm always around. If they find out it's because of my mom and Chad, they could somehow in their warped minds think I'm trash just like them, and a bad influence."

"Alex, you're welcome in my house anytime, for as long as you want: More importantly for as long as _I_ want. You are not a hassle, and my parents can screw themselves for all I care. I'm not letting you live in that shit hole, even if we weren't to pursue this _us_ thing," Paige held her breath for a moment. "I want there to be an 'us,' don't you?"

So what happens now?  
**Another** **suitcase in another hall **  
So what happens now?  
**Take your picture off another wall **  
Where am I going to?  
**You'll get by, you always have before **

"Yes, Paige, more than anything; you are the only thing in my life that makes sense," Alex held Paige tightly in her arms. "It's just…no, never mind. You're right. We can get through this, you know? We make each other happy. So at the end of the day when we're feeling crappy, we'll find our way back into each other's arms and heal. That's what 'us' is, right? I like the sound of **_us_**."_  
_

_Where am I going to?  
**Don't ask anymore. **_

**_

* * *

A/N: _**Hey, I hope you liked it. Just want to remind you that more reviews get you more chapters. I have 220 hits on this story so far, yet only 5 reviews. Someone isn't reviewing who could be. That was a hint to you lazy bums who don't take the time to say if you like or don't like me. I know you know who you are. **Review me!**


	3. 3 Resistance

**Reviews:**

**Melleh1: **What would the story be without crap being dished out? Hah. Seriously, yes homophobia is an issue in ALL schools, no matter where. They can't be afraid of homophobia and then not be victims of it. It's unrealistic, and it's something the writers need to show. Well, unfortunately they aren't (as far as I've seen.) There was the crap with Jay and Hazel in Lexicon of Love part 2, but after that it's like "poof" everything's just peachy. Not in my Palex world.

**AscaDuin: **Thanks for the clarification, and my apologies for my assumption. Seriously. The excitement of people actually saying they like my writing got to my head and I wasn't in "review analyzing mode." I think this chapter has the mix you like. It's out of the timeline, because I'm past the Lexicon of Love section, but it makes references to LoL part 2. There are some quotes from the episode; however they are not in the context of the episode.

**Spashluv:** I'm glad you think I'm off to a good start. Let's just hope I am capable of continuing the way I am, and possibly improving. After the second chapter is when my train of thought tends to run downhill, but maybe this time's different. Something tells me Palex is my lucky charm. It did, after all, motivate me to write something that got me fans, eh? Thanks for your review, mi amigo.

**The T.M.: **Yay! You found my humor to the liking then? It's us fans that got to get them writers to wise up! I think we're up to the challenge. It may take time, but…it's worth the wait. In the meantime here's another chapter.

**Kia: **You loved it? I hope you love this one! What do you like about it?

**A/N: **The song for this one is How Soon is Now by The Smiths.

**Part 3: Resistance**

_I am the son, I am the heir  
__Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar  
__I am the son and the heir  
__Of nothing in particular_

One week into Paige and Alex's journey together as a couple, and both of their lockers had been defaced several times. A good outcome was that they gained a following of faculty and student supporters: Ms. Hatzilakos, Mr. Simpson, and a few others for the faculty side.

Marco was as caring and helpful as ever, and Ellie, Craig, Emma, Jimmy, and the rest of the old gang were welcoming Alex into the fold. The former reject was finally beginning to feel welcomed, and she reveled in the new friendships had.

Still it was a chore to get used to: for Alex and her friends. Alex was adjusting to not being the strong one. She decided to drop the tough girl façade and acknowledge her insecurities. Part of being in friendships and relationships was letting people in. She was ready to take that risk and trust others without restraint.

Paige was having a rough time, too. Trust wasn't an issue, but the pressure of all the crap sent her way by peers was getting to her. Immature pranks were played on her by fellow Spirit Squad members. Frogs in the shower and cold water rigged shower heads. Paige was sure that some of the girls had gotten their boyfriends to help with the pranks seeing as most of the girls were stupid bimbos who could hardly take orders. The simpler pranks, like the whipped cream in the gym locker, were completely carried out by the 'dethrone the dyke foundation.'

Paige found herself thinking about giving up more and more lately. Hazel was being supportive, but the blonde felt it wasn't genuine. Maybe her best friend just thought Paige was going through a phase. Whatever the case, Paige hoped she and Hazel could someday make their friendship unconditional.

_You shut your mouth  
__How can you say I go about things the wrong way?  
__I am human and I need to be loved  
__Just like everybody else does_

They sat on the front steps of Degrassi for lunch to get away from the large groups of people. "It's so nice to get some peace," Paige smiled but worry marred her brow. "The girls taped porn to my poms today: said they thought I'd like an early birthday present," she grimaced.

Alex moved closer to hold her comfortingly. When she tried to kiss Paige on the cheek, the blonde turned away. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Alex's eyes brimmed with tears. "They didn't physically hurt you, did they? Is that what this is about? Tell me and I'll go to Ms. Hatzilakos with you."

"No, no, stop!" Paige cut Alex off sharply. "Sorry, it's-it's not that," she stood up and wrung her wrists nervously, her back to Alex. "It's just I've been doing some thinking, you know? And I think we should have some space so we can both think. You can still stay at my house. I'll just make up the guest bed."

"Paige, what is this?" Alex stood and turned Paige to face her. "Just like that, you're giving up? We had the chance to think this over a week ago in that bathroom: remember. And you, _you Paige, _said we can get through this," she shook her head and bit her lower lip a moment. "Why does it seem to me that we're never both happy at the same time? It's always one of us that feels like dog shit under the tires of an eighteen wheeler truck, and it's the other's job to right the wrong. We can both be strong at the same time for each other: can't we give that a try?"

_I am the son, I am the heir  
__Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar  
__I am the son and the heir  
__Of nothing in particular _

_You shut your mouth  
__How can you say I go about things the wrong way?_

Paige shrugged Alex's hands from her shoulders and took a step back. "My Squad is threatening mutiny, Alex! Everything I've worked for to look good on a university application is going down the drain with each spray painted insult on my locker and with each sharpied taunt on the ass of my Squad uniform skirt," tears began falling down her cheeks and she just couldn't stop but rant on. "Hazel is my only old friend backing me up, and that's only because she thinks I'm going through a phase and need a 'true straight friend' to turn me back around.

"I can't do _this_ anymore! Alex, I'm falling apart: I don't know who I am or what I want…"

"You made it seem last week that I was the only clear thing in your life, and when I was down I reciprocated. I thought we were on the same page here…" Alex's voice shook with emotion. "I can't stay with you at your house with this hanging over our heads. It will be awkward…"

"You can't go back to your mom and Chad! What the hell, Alex? You got a death wish or something? That place…you don't deserve that. No one…especially you…"

"You know, that sounds pretty damned familiar, Paige! It's like déjà vu all over again. You and me on your bed when I first kissed you and you kissed me back. You kissed me back and then threw me away," the brunette was angry now, more than sad. She felt betrayed. "What is this back and forth tennis match we got going on? Ping pong, seesaw, playground swing: you name it, and that's us. What do you feel about me?"

_I am human and I need to be loved  
__Just like everybody else does_

_There's a club, if you'd like to go  
__You could meet somebody who really loves you_

"I feel like you and I could have a happy life together…if the rest of the world felt that we could be happy too," Paige sighed in exasperation. "But the world doesn't want people like us to be happy. There are people who would do anything to see us miserable. I can't be happy when people are destroying me and my stuff every day. How can you, Alex? Can you honestly say you can be happy when people are treating us like this?"

"Well, I don't know Paige. I wasn't exactly happy with Mom and Chad, but I still managed to be happy around you," Alex was almost shouting now, and the two were creating a scene. "I said I couldn't help being better when I'm around you. You said you couldn't help but laugh around me. That's what a relationship is. It's two people, like us, being able to find solace in one another when we're down. When people make us feel like shit, we can make each other feel better."

"I can't, ok? I care about you, and I damn well might love you, but it's not worth this pain. I'd rather force myself to love some guy," Paige gulped hard at what she was saying. She didn't mean it, but what else could she do? This was the only way she could make the two of them both happy. They were being ridiculed for being a couple, so if they split…then it would stop, right? Paige thought so. "I'd rather be with a guy than with someone who gives me a bad rep."

_So you go and you stand on your own  
__And you leave on your own  
__And you go home, and you cry  
__And you want to die_

With that, Paige turned and fled down the street, not caring about missing the rest of school. It hurt more than anything to betray Alex like that. _I love her. I, Paige Michalchuk, love Alex Nunez. That's why I had to do that. I can't stand to see people put her through misery. She'll get over me…I'll get over her.

* * *

_

Meanwhile, just around the corner, Hazel was walking by with a bag of pompoms. Jay, grinning his idiotic grin, jogged a little to catch up with her, and then fell into step with the cheerleader. "Need help with your poms?"

"What do you want, Jay?" Hazel scowled. This day wasn't going great as it was. Mice had gotten into the Spirit Squad supply closet and chewed through pompoms and spare uniforms. Now she had to go about the messy business of getting funding from the school to replace them. She picked up her pace, only to have Jay match it.

"World peace and some time to talk with my good friend Hazey," his grin became impossibly wider, and then faded when she added insult to injury by saying they weren't friends. "Look, I just want to talk to you about Paige, you know: about how she's gone the gay way?"

"I don't know what there is to talk about that. She's going through a tough phase and I'm sticking with her until she gets through it. Now leave me alone," Jay stopped her from walking by grabbing her arm.

"And I have reason to believe it's not just a phase. Whatever…if you care about her, you'll support the rest of the Squad in dethroning her," his eyes met hers. "They're making her miserable with all those pranks. They might lay off if she's off the squad."

"And since when do you care about her? If this is some trick to try to get my best friend against me, I'm not falling for it."

"This is no trick. She'll get over it eventually and thank you. I'm using this to my advantage to get Alex back, and because I just saw your friend in tears running down the street. She doesn't look too happy with what's going on…cast your vote, and you could make her life better."

"I don't see your logic in this, Jay, but I do think they would lay off her if they got what they wanted," Hazel sighed. "If this bombs, you're getting all the blame." _Which is good, because then he'll have his ex against him too, and then Paige could happily stay with Alex…if she really is happy.

* * *

_

Paige sat crying on the floor of her bathroom, back against the door. Her heavy sobs echoed off of the walls. A razor lay untouched next to her, with her hand dangerously near it.

_When you say it's gonna happen now  
__Well, when exactly do you mean?  
__See I've already waited too long  
__And all my hope is gone_

Alex was still at Degrassi, in the same bathroom where she and Paige stood the week before. She leaned against a sink for support because it felt as though her legs could give at any time. Finally her emotions took a turn towards anger. She raised two clenched fists against the mirror and pounded it with all of her might. The shards came down in flashes of red from her slashed hands. One hand gripped a particularly large shard and held it to the other wrist.

_I am human and I need to be loved  
__Just like everybody else does

* * *

_

**A/N: **Yeah, sorry for the depressing chapter. Don't worry. I'm no basher. I love Palex, and things will take a turn for the better... If not I might just leave it here...hmmm... 

Also, I'm aware that Jay's quotes from Lexicon of Love part 2 didn't match with the episode, but I did that on purpose to fit with the story. I have no idea where this is going. The parts with Paige and the razor and Alex and the mirror were last minute. So I have no idea what will happen next. Just have faith that this story will have a happy ending.


	4. 4 Resistance

**Reviews: **

**WolfkidX: **Breathe, wild child. Sharp objects can be dangerous in unstable hands. Remember how the last chapter ended? Only one of the girls actually took something into her hand. But that doesn't mean much, right? I know I'm being cryptic, but since you like me so much…read to find out and enjoy!

**Laney3147565: **You like the song? Yay! I love it when people inform me of my ability in song choice. I hope you keep reading. Enjoy!

**AscaDuin: **Did you read deeply into the chapter? Thank you so much, your review was great. Yes, what Paige said was hurtful, but she knew that, and she hated saying it. It goes deeper into their thoughts in this chapter. Yep. It's a POV chapter. It will alternate between the two lovely ladies. I think you'll enjoy it.

**melleh1: **Whoa! I almost got your review too late to give you thanks here at the top of this chapter like I love doing for all my reviewers. I'm glad you liked my attempt at angsty depression. Here's more! Lol. Enjoy!

**A/N: **To everyone, reviewers and not, but to anyone who hated Paige's cruelty in my last chapter: that was a really difficult chapter for me to write. It was hard because I love Palex and I hate for it to be ripped apart for any amount of time for any reason, but it had to be done. It's not permanent, don't worry. But Paige would have insecurities and I needed to show that despite her obvious feelings for Alex, those insecurities would interfere. She knows she loves Alex, but she feels like it's her fault people have turned the tables on Alex and become Alex's bullies. More details on that in the story…you'll get it when you read it!

**The song:** From the Guts by Stand. Once again:**bold** means there's another voice in the background or overlapping with theregular fontvoice. (This applies only to the song. **Bold_ italics _**in the midst of character though means emphasis.)

**Part 4: Resistance**

_**Paige's POV (thoughts are italics)**_

_What the hell am I doing? Paige Michalchuk, don't even think about touching that god damned razor. You did what you had to in letting Alex down. Yes, I did what I had to do to make things right. She'll get over it. She has to because I have to. I can't stand to see her getting hurt._

_One thing needs to be understood about me: I feel very insecure when it comes to reputations. Well, I don't care about that anymore. Seriously: that insecurity is gone, goodbye, sayonara, homerun-out-of-here. Now I'm insecure about **her** happiness. Everything we feel is so wonderful. But it's horrible that people are being so mean to her. They're hurting her so much. _

Tear ducts drying up  
**Big boys weren't always tough  
**Hearts on sleeves  
We're mopping up  
**All this crazy stuff**

_Okay, they're hurting me, too. But she came to be with me thinking that together we could make our troubles and pains go away, and now it's worse. It was better when **we** were a secret from the school. There were rumors, but we could easily have dispelled them and gone behind everyone's backs. That would have gotten tiring after a while, but it would have given us time to plan out how we would, well…come out._

_God fucking damn it, Paige! We both would have been miserable anyways. We were both getting shit tossed at us (literally). Paper balls with messages, spit balls, meatballs: pretty much most kinds of balls. We even had a few penises with smiley faces attached to our lockers via duct tape. Man, it took forever to get those off. _

_We both may be feeling low right now, but in the end we'll both see it's worth it. It was worth it, right? I don't know, Michalchuk. She looked so hurt at what I said. It was worse than when she heard me tell Hazel that she meant nothing to me. Living a life apart could be better than living a life together as victims. It's not like we're soul mates or anything. We would have gone out and then faded like the best of couples. **Then why do I feel so empty like scum on a railroad track? **_

_Shit, like things couldn't get any worse. Hazel is calling me. "Hey Hazel,"_ _I'm trying not to sound sad, and I'm trying not to sniffle as I am still sitting on my bathroom floor with my untouched razor. "You're kidding, right? Hah, Hazel you are so stupid."_ _I know I don't mean it, but I feel it. She's telling me how she's casting her vote to throw me off the squad and she's saying that I'll thank her for it some day. "You're seriously telling me that you're taking advice from Jay?"_ _I'm about to gag myself with the razor handle any second now, she's disgusting me so much. _

Hard fools with surface grace  
**A pick-axe never found a trace  
**Of sentiment, the keepsake  
**That no one else could take**

Drag it down, deep down, deeper again, deeper  
Bang it down; deep down, buried again keep her

_"Hazel, I don't give a shit about what the squad thinks or what you think. Alex and I are done. Throw me off the squad, go ahead: As long as the girls stop giving her crap."_ _She's asking me if I was **happy** with Alex. "Like you seriously care about something more than your rep, Haze."_ _She's really annoying me now. "Like I said, kick me off the fucking squad! Just stop those bitches from hurting her or me anymore."_ _I can't believe it! The bitch thinks she understands my feelings more than **I** do! She's babbling on and on about 'if I care so much about Alex still, than are we as over as I think?' Ugh! Why do I make such messes?_

And I know just how it feels  
On the underside of here  
But I just don't have the skill  
To keep away the fear  
And I'm trying to get out  
Deeper again, deeper  
And I'm trying to get out  
Buried again keep her

_I just slammed my cell phone shut and I'm sinking deeper onto the floor. I wish the ground would just swallow me up. Oh well. Tomorrow's a new day. Damn, that sounded so cliché. _

_**End Paige's POV

* * *

**_

_**Begin Alex's POV (thoughts are italics)**_

_Why am I here **at school** holding a broken mirror to my already bloodstained arm? My hands are stinging with probably a hundred cuts from breaking the mirror. I think there's some glass embedded in my skin, too. Yet I still stand holding the long shard of mirror in my clenched fist, the sharp material digging into my flesh; it's about to go into a major artery if I don't stop myself soon. Why am I not stopping! _

_Seeing this blood flow out of my knuckles and fingers is like watching my pain go away before my very eyes. At the same time it hurts more than anything else because I know it's not really easing anything. But still, it's like I'm getting a strange high from it._

_It's a high unlike anything I've gotten from pot, and I feel drunker than I have ever felt when I've been actually drunk. This blood is my insides and now I'm studying what keeps me alive when all I want to do is die. This sticky red liquid is what keeps my shattered heart beating._

Conquered marvel lost  
**Your soul was left to count the cost  
**Inside a skin, aglow with frost  
**As deep as you could go  
**My steps were **feminine  
**Just let me say before I begin  
**A macho mess was lingering  
**All across the porch

Drag it down, deep down, deeper again, deeper  
Bang it down; deep down, buried again keep her

_Who knew I could be so gushy? I guess that's all that was bottled up when I decided to close myself off. Yeah, I decided to shut out other people. It's funny how a person can make all of these life changing realizations as their life is pouring onto a tiled floor. One thing is that **my** life isn't pouring yet._

And I know just how it feels  
On the underside of here  
But I just don't have the skill  
To keep away the fear  
And I'm trying to get out

_Voices are coming into the bathroom now. I guess they heard me break the mirror. Shit, it's Marco. Hah. He's in the girl's bathroom. Now I'm laughing at this? Why can't I stop laughing? I'm looking down and I realize it's done. The shard is almost down to the bone and I collapse. "Paige…"_

Deeper again, deeper  
And I'm trying to get out  
Buried again keep her

_**End Alex's POV

* * *

**_

Sirens wailed into Degrassi's parking lot. Ambulances were scattered all over, and paramedics rushed around trying to find anyone who could tell anything about Alex's medical record, or possible history of depression.

As Alex was being rushed to the hospital, Jay watched from the laneway. He didn't feel remorse or guilt. He felt fear because he could be blamed. Hazel would just say the word and Jay would be investigated. He was already expelled from Degrassi, like he cared about that shit place anyway. Now his worthless life was threatened with jail. It was his turn to run and pray that Alex didn't die.

_Stay today, and take your feelings from the guts  
Stay today, and take your feelings from the guts  
_**_Stay today__

* * *

_**

**A/N:** Yes, I know, it's sad. Don't worry.I hope you liked the song choice. Next chapter soon after I get some advice from my amazing readers. 


	5. 5 Realization

**A/N: **The song is Forgive Me by Evanescence

**Part 5: Realization**

Paige remained sobbing on her bathroom floor for what seemed like hours. She lay curled up in the fetal position, just wishing so many things at once that she didn't know what she really wished. Her razor was clutched in her fist; so far she was winning the battle against her urges.

Her cell phone rang again, and upon checking her caller ID she saw it was Hazel again. Sighing she decided to see what her 'friend' wanted to say to her. "What is it, bitch," Paige answered the annoying ringing device. She both loved and loathed the bitter anger in her tone.

**_"Paige, I know you must hate me," _**her friend began on the other end. **_"But just hear me out. I want you to be happy. Alex makes you happy. You make Alex happy. The squad makes you feel like shit. If you aren't thrown from the squad, you'll want to quit when you hear my news."_**

Paige sat up straight and wiped her eyes. "You have thirty seconds to say one thing I care about and then I'm done with you," she really didn't have the time to put up with Hazel's antics. "Starting now."

_Can you forgive me again?  
__I don't know what I said  
__And I didn't mean to hurt you_

**_"Alex was just rushed off to the hospital,"_** at Paige's startled gasp, Hazel quickly continued. **_"Now before you jump to conclusions, no one beat her up and it wasn't an accident. Well, not the usual accident. I swear, I didn't say anything to her, Paige, but Jay might have. I don't know. All I know is that Marco found her in the girl's bathroom after she broke a mirror with her fists. He found her, bloodied, with a shard of glass pressed to her wrist. She started cracking up and then shoved the glass into her artery and passed out. That's all anyone knows right now."_**

_I heard the words come out  
__I felt that I would die  
__It hurt so much to hurt you  
__  
Then you looked at me  
__You're not shouting anymore  
__You're silently broken_

Paige shook as the cell phone clattered to the floor. She didn't remember dropping it, and she didn't hear Hazel shouting her concerns to her. Her mind blacked out. All she knew was the heavy bottle of shampoo in her hands crashing down on the razor multiple times. Her hands reached for the now broken item, and extracted the blade from the cheap disposable plastic.

_I'd give anything now  
__To kill those words for you_

_Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."  
__But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah_

Her tears mingled with her blood as her mother came bursting in the room, alerted by the pounding of the bottle against the floor above the den. Paige didn't care that the razor in her hand was moving seemingly of its own accord over her arm, legs, and any other bare flesh it could find. She didn't protest when her mom tore the blade from her hand and tossed it absentmindedly aside. The only protesting was done by her heart, aching for the ability to rewind and redo the last day.

'_Cause you were made for me  
__Somehow I'll make you see  
__How happy you make me_

_I can't live this life  
__Without you by my side  
__I need you to survive  
__  
So stay with me  
__You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry_

After being patched up in the emergency room, Paige waited in the intensive care waiting room for word on Alex. Alex was still asleep after surgery and the doctors didn't know if and when she would wake up. Paige didn't really care to think of the fact that her mother needed an explanation. The only thing that registered in her mind was Hazel holding her close as she waited and prayed for Alex's life.

_And you forgive me again  
__You're my one true friend  
__And I never meant to hurt you

* * *

_

**A/N: **I realize the shortness of this update. I've been on a writing spree and have felt the need to get a large amount up in a short amount of time. The last few chapters have been really hard, but helped me get out some inner personal issues that needed an outlet. This is the end of the outlet: a transition period into the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

This chapter needed to be short to fit the song. Too many words would ruin the meaning, you know? Paige and Alex hit rock bottom, and Hazel realized what her friendship with Paige meant to her. So this story will take a few days for a break while I welcome our ladies back to Degrassi. Thank you for reading.


	6. 6 Resistance

**A/N: **Initially Alex was going to be released from the hospital back into Degrassi in this chapter. But I decided against it. This chapter is all about Paige and Hazel. I figured after the intensity of previous chapters, things need to slow down into a transition. This chapter will offer some explanations of where Hazel and Paige are going as friends, and whether or not Paige is recovering as much as she appears to be. It may be the next chapter or the chapter after next when I bring Alex back into the picture.

**Now:** The scene in which Paige broke the razor **(In chapter 5)**. I'm not sure how accurately I wrote that. When I used to cut, I used exacto-knives and not razors so I'm unsure of how Paige would have broken hers. I just figured that in her rage and self-loathing the use of the heavy object to smash the plastic would suffice. I hope that wasn't a far reach as far as 'realistic' goes.

**Song: _On the Surface_** by Stand. (Yes, I love this group.) It took a long time for me to figure out which song I wanted to use for this chapter. I liked the content of the chapter, but no lyrics were fitting. Normally I choose a song that goes with the mood I'm going for, but it wasn't working this time: it's all about the content, not the mood.Finally I realized what I want to happen in this chapter, and instantly knew this song was it. Enjoy.

**Part 6: Realization**

One more week had gone by. Paige's scars were faded, and Alex was nowhere to be seen at Degrassi. That didn't have an impact on most people's day to day lives. It just gave them more reason to spread rumors about Alex. Now, on top of lesbian bully, the brunette had a label of certified mental case on her head. News had spread fast of Alex's freak out in that particular girl's bathroom, and the news was now twisted and contorted into a story of complete madness.

Rumors of Paige's sexuality ceased as she resumed her position as Spirit Squad leader. With the return of her popular status, the memory of Alex faded into the school's history as far as other students were concerned. Despite the seemingly erased 'incident' from the minds of Degrassi students, she still left a mental scar deep within Paige. It was only she and Hazel who waited diligently for the girl's return in the hopes to make amends to friendships.

_**She's so distracted her head looks like a train  
**__**That's been pulling too many carts  
**__**Sub-standard cameos, like the actress  
**__**Given the bit parts, where's your heart?**_

"Whoever's holding my left foot, stop slacking. I'm so damn crooked up here I'm practically parallel to the floor," the blonde ordered to the cheerleaders holding her up. She bet ten bucks that it was a new recruit. Sighing she held her balance as someone shifted her hold on the blonde's ankle. "That will do for now."

"Paige, stop being picky: this is only a warm up," the voice was Hazel's. "Just be glad we're saving our energy for the game," although annoyed at her friend, Hazel couldn't help but smile; the old Paige was back, except for one thing: "You can't cheer with those leg warmers and your sweatshirt on, you know."

They'd been through that issue so many times. Every day Paige was dressed in long sleeves and long pants. If ever she didn't wear long sleeves, she wore arm bands and bracelets up and down her left arm. The scars couldn't be seen unless someone was actually looking for scars, but the girl was just way too self conscious. She didn't want the school to see them and remember how they got there.

_**It's all genetics, she's feeding the starved  
**__**Their flesh, their bones  
**__**Until she engines out a plan**_

So far she's managed to give her peers what they want: a strong, normal Spirit Squad leader. As long as she kept it up, the past wouldn't come up behind her and bite her on the ass. She acted the part well, playing her cards with ease. Whenever someone had asked Paige about what happened with Alex, she would just reply that she was confused. She put on a show of weakness in a moment of confusion. When she couldn't get out of it, she didn't want to hurt Alex's feelings, so she kept pretending until things went too far.

But that was far from the truth. She was too scared to tell the truth to everyone, and Hazel saw it just as she saw Paige's self-loathing. The fellow Spirit Squad member was concerned for the blonde, but her ignorance made her irritable. No matter how hard Hazel tried, she couldn't convince Paige to see inside herself. It was like she was cut off completely from reality: More like she couldn't handle reality and just pushed it away.

_**Little miss drift-along, like in the movies  
**__**Given the bit parts, given the shit parts  
**__**But in command**_

A couple periods into the day, Paige sat in Mr. Simpson's class doodling absentmindedly in her notebook with one hand while typing d-mails to people with the other. Marco was shooting her disgusted looks, looking over and noticing that her doodles were hearts around Alex's name. He would have bet money that she didn't realize she was creating a shrine to the still hospitalized girl, but he was mature enough not to get under Paige's skin out of spite.

Finally having enough of her uninterested sighs and occasional twirling of her hair, Marco couldn't take anymore. In blistering frustration he snatched the pen from Paige's doodling hand; its latest masterpiece was a beautiful naked girl on horseback with a cape around her bearing Alex's name. "Paige, if you think you're fooling anyone, you're only fooling yourself," he muttered.

_**But what lay on the surface  
**__**Never expressed her underneath  
**__**And what lay on the surface  
**__**Only enhanced her appeal  
**__**For me to slip inside, she lets me slip inside**_

Unable to prevent the rush of blood to her face, Paige raised her hand and asked to be excused to the bathroom. Without realizing it, she'd gone into the same bathroom where she and Alex had talked two days after the premier. It was the same bathroom, she thought, that Alex broke that mirror over yonder and unwillingly tried to take her own life.

A glint of strange light shone from a crevice between the faucet and the porcelain sink. When she picked the unidentified object, and saw what it was, she rolled up her sleeve with a shaking hand. It was a piece of the mirror, with red spattered on it. That one speck of red tinge on the tiny, one-inch shard could be none other that Alex's blood. It was enough to make Paige break down.

_**Reveal it all or just keep this underground**_

The bathroom doorknob rattled, the door opened, and in stepped Hazel. Paige hurriedly pulled the sleeve of her shirt back over her arm. "Paige, the heat in the school is broken. It's like what, eighty degrees Fahrenheit? There's something up with you and I think your choice of dress is something to do with it," Hazel frowned and touched Paige's shoulder. "What's in your hand; is that glass?"

Paige shook Hazel's hand away from her shoulder as though it were a scorching fire. It was true; the heat was almost unbearable to Paige in her long sleeved, long pants apparel. "I found it wedged in the sink…it has her blood on it." Her gaze was fixed on the shard in her hand, but her eyes were unfocused and distant. Before she knew what was happening, Hazel had pulled the blonde's sleeve back up to her elbow. First she was angered by Hazel's unrestrained violation of personal space, but then she smirked at her friend's apparent shock. "You know what they say. Old habits die hard."

"You call this an old habit, Paige?" Hazel grabbed Paige's wrist as she began to turn away in defiance. "You cut once, _once_ Paige, and it was in a time of desperation. That's not a habit, it's a mistake."

"Oh, sure Hazel, you're the world expert on self-inflicted wounds," the snapping remark stung. "Maybe if the cutting had been premeditated, it wouldn't become a habit. 'Ok, I'm depressed so I'm going to try cutting.' How does that sound versus emotional blindness? I didn't know what I was doing when it happened. All I know is that now whenever I'm stressed my first instinct is to reach for something sharp. I don't want to, but I'm not in control!"

"Were you in control when you left Alex at the steps of Degrassi?" Hazel's eyes were hard. "You love her, and don't you dare give me your denial shit either. You love her, but you were too scared of what I thought. Paige, I know I was cruel at first but I thought about it. If you're happy, I'm happy. That's what friends are," she softened up a little. "And friends don't let friends cut."

"So now not only do you decide my position on the squad with a vote, but now you decide for me who and what I'm afraid of? Screw you, Hazel. I'm sick of people judging me…"

"Take her back! Beg and plead on your knees, for god's sake!" Hazel threw her hands out in front of her for emphasis. "She should be back soon, and when she does you have a chance. Can't you see I care about you, Paige? You're waiting for her to come back so you can do what? Metaphorically kill her?"

"You don't get it, do you? If she and I are together, they will hurt her. I won't let that happen," Paige's stance said both everything and nothing. It said she wanted Hazel to leave her alone, but it lied. She wanted her friend to stay.

"You know what? Maybe I don't get you and your weird feelings for Alex," Hazel sighed and took a few steps back. "You won't let them hurt her, but will you stop yourself from hurting her? If I'm such a horrible friend to give you honest advice in your favor, then I guess I can just leave you here to wallow. Have fun with your damned piece of glass." And with that Hazel was out the door.

_**But what lay on the surface  
**__**Never expressed her underneath  
**__**And what lay on the surface  
**__**Only enhanced her appeal  
**_**_For me to slip inside, she lets me slip inside_**

_**Reveal it all or just keep this underground**_

_**Keep this underground** _

**

* * *

****A/N:** Paigey, Paigey; what has she gotten herself into? Look's like Hazel actually has a human soul, but does Paige have her precious sanity? Can she listen to Hazel's advice and take it seriously before she gets in deeper?

I'm sorry if this chapter was a disappointment. I'm not so pleased with how I wrote it. Try as I might, it just didn't come out like the others. It was difficult because I wanted to just have Paige be sane and clear-thinking again. Because in a perfect Palex world clear-thinking is code word for Paige loving Alex withno confusion. Unfortunately, though, a perfect Palex world like that isn't realistic compared to the real world. So I was forced to continue with Paige's "popular cheerleader syndrome." It's going to take hard work to get those two back together...tell me what you think because I'm sure as hell lost.


	7. 7 Realization

**Reviews: **

**Melleh1: **I have a knack? Why thank you! Here's the next installation of the emotionally trying story. This chapter wasn't even going to exist until last minute, but I think you'll like it. Thanks for the feedback!

**DushkusBitch: **The 'um' at the beginning of your review had me worried for a second. Lol. You're going to get a taste of the old hard Alex in the next chapter. At least, I think it's the old hard Alex. I'm not sure if I got her character right, but that doesn't matter for now. This chapter goes into the thoughts of Alex as she's in her hospital bed. Enjoy!

**A/N:** This chapter, like I said, wasn't supposed to exist originally. But, I think it's good that it now does. The initial chapter 7 is going to be chapter 8 and is written, so expect an update soon.

**Song: _At Home_** by my friend Meredith Pollack. (she rocks. Seriously, this girl is the shit.) I may have fuzzed up a line here or there because it's hard to hear the lyrics in some places on the recording, but it makes sense. **The bold in the song are a spoken part: a message on an answering machine.**

**Part 7: Realization**

_**Alex's POV**_

Every time you look up  
Pay attention to your sky  
'Cause every time you wake up  
I'm looking at that same bright light

_The IV in my arm is really starting to bug me. Really, the doctors think I need it? If it's keeping me alive, then I could just rip it out and let myself die. That's what I want to do right now. But if it's there for no important reason, I'm definitely taking it out. One: I hate needles. Two: the damn thing is starting to itch. I don't think it's supposed to itch. _

_It's been two days since Marco found me. Not once have I seen Paige. I'd have thought that maybe when she found out…I'd hoped that she'd at least stop by as a friend. I can't live with her just as a friend; I would need more. I would need love. But I could deal with her just-friendship until I'm out of the hospital. I need some positive thinking to get me out of here._

Maybe you're looking down  
Maybe you're inside  
If you hear this  
Can you please try

_When I woke up, social workers were at my side in an instant. When they left, the nurse on duty said that a blonde and her friend had been waiting, but then left when news came that I was officially among the living. I guess that answers my question. She cared enough to make sure I was alive, but didn't want to deal with me. She said she doesn't want to deal with me, like those movies with subtitles she hates. Why is it that I always love someone for those tiny cute details, and never remember them for the way they stomped on my heart? _

_I feel sick each time I think of her name, but still I smile at the injustice of the whole situation. It seems to me that I always have inappropriate reactions to extreme situations. When Marco found me, I laughed maniacally. And now I smile at what Paige did to me, because I remember loving her laugh. I remember hating her tears when they fell for the wrong reasons; when they fell for lying to me and dumping me like the trash everyone thinks I am._

To remember I'm here at home  
You might be coming back soon  
But for now you still don't know  
It's always hard to miss you  
It's even harder to have to miss you alone

_I'm going to have to get used to not having her in my life anymore, at least not in a friendly manner. It's either lovers or nothing. She can just screw herself if she asks for friendship. She can't just do that, you know? Yeah, Nunez, I know. The girl can't take all I've got and leave me with nothing but a friendly word. A killer doesn't torture his victim, and then apologize right before pulling the final trigger. It's cruel. Paige is either cruel or lost, and if she can't let me help her find her way, I'm not going to be her punching bag._

_I used to be her crowd's punching bag. Even when she and I were together…that one precious week; at least then they targeted the both of us, and we had each other for comfort and safety. Now there's nothing protecting me, and she has her clique on hands and knees doing her will. She just doesn't get what it means to be a couple._

Every time you look up  
Pay attention to your sky  
Your city might have more  
But remember those lights are  
Just still lights

_If she could just learn to trust enough to close her eyes and open her heart…I don't know. Can people ever learn if they're gone too far into societal pressures and expectations? Maybe if I'd told her I love her, she'd have known how much I trust her. But it could have been in vain. This whole experience has been in vain._

_I just wish she could get a grip on reality. Maybe she'll be able to prevent herself from making this same mistake with some other person. Whatever she says, I don't believe that she would rather be with a guy than me. I saw her eyes betrayed her true emotions. She wanted to protect me, but she just didn't see that in a relationship no one needs to be a protector. As long as both people are safety nets to fall into with open arms, then that's enough. Fear can do shit for a relationship._

And sometimes the tears are falling  
But they're not falling hard  
We're both inside  
We're both still dry  
We're still apart

_Social services want to put me in foster care. I say bullshit to that idea. But they looked into my family and don't want me with Mom and Chad anymore. I guess that's for the better, but I'd rather be somewhere else than in foster care: anywhere else. And that's where it gets complicated._

_Wait…wasn't it already complicated? The fuckers gave me an ultimatum: go into foster care, or live with the Michalchuks. Paige's parents offered to take me in. It's so weird that her parents trust me after all of this. I accepted because it gets me out of social services' clutches, but I know I'm in for a hell of a shitty time. I have to live with the girl who ruined me. Do her parents even know what she did? I bet they wouldn't want me living there if they knew about me and Paige. _

But remember  
I'm here are home  
You might be coming back soon  
But for now you still don't know  
It's always hard to miss you  
I just hate having to miss you alone

_I've wanted to call Paige, but she beat me to the punch. She called many, many times and left messages with the nurse. I refused to take them and return them, so finally she gave up. She told me she wants me out of her life, so she's not going to just barge back in._

"**Hey, it's me  
****I've been calling since like six  
****And you are not answering the phone  
****And I'm kind of worried about you  
****And I called you like fifteen times  
****I just don't know where you are  
****I hope that everything's okay  
****And you're probably just like  
****Making out with someone or something  
****But you mean a lot  
****And you can call me back  
****I guess if you want to  
****Okay, bye."**

_I'm starting to feel nauseous. I'm disgusted by what I did in that bathroom. My wrist throbs almost constantly. I swear the doctors are lying about the pain meds they're supposedly giving me. Once I heal up, I'm going to have to endure serious physical therapy, and even then my hand won't be what it used to._

_Oh well, so I won't be able to punch as hard. _

So remember  
I'm here at home  
You might be coming back soon  
But for now you still don't know  
It's always hard to miss you

_Please, Nunez, you can do it. Don't cry, you can't cry. I can do this without shedding anymore tears. She won't see them, she won't care about them: so I don't need them. I just need to move on with my life. I can definitely name a few guys who'd love to be with me._

I'm just happy I'm not  
Missing you alone  
So remember

* * *

**A/N:** I liked writing this chapter, mostly because of the song. Also because it's focused more on Alex, as opposed to Paige. Most of the previous chapters seemed to be leaning more towards Paige, so I thought an Alex chapter may balance it out. Hope you liked it. 


	8. 8 Realization

**Reviews: **

**DushkusBitch: **You requested it, so here it is. Thanks!

**melleh1: **I'm glad you think that 'oh well, so I won't be able to punch as hard' was a good line. Thanks, I thought it would be an Alex thing to say. Here's your update!

**AscaDuin: **Yes, I know you can't wait to see how it is for Paige and Alex to be living in the same house. It will be a couple chapters before you see it, but you will. First let's see how they deal with having to share the same hallways at Degrassi...I tell my friend as often as possible that she kicks ass. I'm glad you liked the song choice.

**A/N:** This was an interesting chapter for me to write. I didn't think I'd be able to write a cold-hearted Alex, but I think it works. This was initially going to be chapter 7, but then decided to make it chapter 8. I wrote this before the previous chapter…which I have never done before: writing later chapters before earlier ones. It made me understand more how I wanted to transition to the point that this chapter is at. I hope you like it.

**Song:** Walking With Ghosts by Stand

**Part 8: Realization**

_**Paige's POV**_

**Who's been walking with ghosts again?  
****Yes; men saying what she wants them to say  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

_Life at home has been hell. God, who am I kidding? It still is hell. The hospital agreed to release Alex under the condition that my parents would take her in. They wouldn't release her to her own mom because of her living conditions, so it was either my place or the mental ward. Isn't it ironic how my house is always an option? Well, my parents believe that Alex needs a caring family more than she needs to be locked away and monitored like a reckless child. I couldn't agree more, but why must they insist that we be her new family?_

_She's being released midday today, while I'm at school, so I probably won't see her until evening. The guest bed is made up for her, and all of her clothing has already been transferred to the closet and dresser. It's almost as if she's becoming part of the family. My parent's have no clue how much I feel she is my family-or was. _

_After my mom had saved me from doing myself more harm than I had, she didn't ask too many questions. She had found my cell phone on the bathroom floor, with Hazel still shouting at me, asking if I was ok. Hazel didn't tell my mom anything about me and Alex, thank god, but she did explain that Alex was in trouble. My mom took that information and chalked up my freak out to a response to hearing about such a close friend being in such trouble. She wasn't too far off. _

**Who's been living their joke today?  
****Funny girl walking like she owns the place  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

_I don't know if I'm going to feel comfortable with Alex living in my house, or seeing her in the halls again. Half of me want to take her in my arms and take back everything, but the other half of me now has stress issues. Those issues are having the school put Alex through hell, and with my mom finding out about how smitten I am with the goddess. _

_Hazel keeps saying that if I'm so worried about Alex being hurt by our peers, I should beg forgiveness and promise to stay by her side. That makes sense, I guess. She's going to have a harder time than before, now that the school thinks she's an insecure suicidal loser. Maybe it won't be so bad if we have each other. Too bad we can't be together every moment of every day. It's when the haters get us alone I have second thoughts. _

**And I've been stepping outside your waves  
****And nicotine patching my scars and shaves  
****I don't even smoke but your ways  
****Have got me all uptight**

_I'm kind of stunned by everything Hazel has said, as I stand staring at the bathroom door she walked through. I shouldn't call back one mistake as a new habit. Have I really sunk that deep? I'm looking down at my scarred arm and I just can't believe I did that to myself. Whatever: I'll just pocket this mirror piece. I don't know why, but it makes me feel like I'm still close to Alex. _

_The cuts on my arm are stinging, but I deserve it. I let the pain wash over me knowing that no amount of physical pain I feel will make up for how much I just put Alex through. She trusted me. I guess there's no chance of her trusting me again._

**And you've been bitching liabilities  
****And cellophane wrapping my crazy dreams  
****I don't ever boast but your scenes  
****Have shown me I was right**

_I should be getting back to Simpson's class, but maybe I'll go to the guidance counselor. Or, better yet, I'll take a cab to my therapist. I'm ready to talk to her, for the moment at least. If I wait any longer I know I'll just crawl back into my shell of denial. I need to say these things out loud to someone, anyone, if I'm ever going to be secure. _

_Holy shit, I'm insecure. I'm insecure about reputations, relationships, hatred, and love: everything. How could I have been so blind and stupid and weak? I thought I was strong those weeks ago when I stood in here and told Alex we could make it. I thought I was being strong, but I was being hopeful and she knew it. She wasn't kidding about our emotional tennis match that day on the stairs. _

**Who's been talking with ghosts again?  
****Second-hand junkies making shite of the place  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

_**End Paige's POV**_

**Who's been dining with cannibals?  
****Saving staked hearts as collectibles  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

_**Begin Hazel's POV**_

_She's really starting to piss me off, that Paige. It should worry me that I'm angry, and not concerned, but really…the girl knows what she needs to do. God knows I've told her countless times in the last week, but she's ignoring me. I'm not going to empathize with her if she's going to toss my two cents in the trash. _

_She's not going to cut again, I know it. I think I verbally slapped her enough to finally make her think. Now, when Alex comes back to school tomorrow maybe Paige will at least say sorry for her cruel words. I waited with her in the intensive care waiting room for hours, but by the time Alex woke up social workers were rushed into her room. Paige and I never had a chance to visit. After that one day, Paige gave up on trying to visit. She's convinced Alex wants nothing to do with her. _

_I'm surprised that Alex agreed to stay with Paige's family. But it makes sense. Poor girl, the whole school thinks she's someone she's not. From what Paige has told me in idle conversation, Alex has been through shit: women's shelters and whatnot. _

**And I've been stepping outside your waves  
****And nicotine patching my scars and shaves  
****I don't even smoke but your ways  
****Have got me all uptight**

_She'd been bruised at least once a week by Chad 'accidentally' losing his temper. Her parents, wow what can be said about her parents? I hope I never have to meet them. Paige has been one to exaggerate, but she'd never go overboard on something this important. Alex probably doesn't want to go through the torture of foster families after all of that, and Paige's parents are pretty chill. _

_I just hope Alex knows what she's getting herself into. I know I never liked the girl, and I'm Paige's friend, but right now I'm praying for Alex. Maybe I should go to the Michalchuk's house before Paige can get there and debrief Alex on Paige's sudden reversion to Queen Bee attitude and status. _

**And you've been bitching liabilities  
****And cellophane wrapping my crazy dreams  
****I don't ever boast but your scenes  
****Have shown me I was right**

_Things are so messed up right now; I just don't know where my loyalties lie. Should I still stick by Paige's side? That could just end up encouraging her bitchiness. This isn't really about choosing sides. I think I'll talk to Marco and see what he thinks about possibly playing matchmaker. Hopefully he will be able to help come up with a plan. _

_**"Holy shit, Alex,"** lo and behold, as I am storming to intercept Marco as he walks out of Simpson's class, Alex appears before me. She turned out of a corridor right by where I was walking; at first I didn't think it was her, but it is. Oh my god, she's not supposed to be back in these halls until tomorrow. Now she's just looking at me with a cold look in her eyes. **"We seriously need to talk about…"** and then the bitch cuts me off!_

_**"Hazel, look, I don't need you and the other cheer bitches giving me shit about what happened with me and…her. Put that in the past and go back to your usual 'torment the trailer trash' antics," **she's turning to leave. What do I do? I mean, yeah that was a typical Alex thing to say, but the Alex before the incident wasn't 'typical' Alex. She'd changed because of Paige. I sure hope they can both go back to being who they were when they were together, even if they stay apart. They were both way easier to put up with. _

_**"Alex, wait,"** I don't know what I'm pulling for by trying to talk to her. I guess I'll just wing it, and see what happens. **"She's been different since it happened." **Smooth, Hazel. Her eyes just got harder. **"She's who she was before you came into her life."** _

**We kept going at it hammers and tongs  
****Never separating those rights from wrongs  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

**_"Yeah, I kind of figured. Though really, she never was a different person. I don't associate myself with liars and hypocrites, or their lackeys," _**_wow, that was cold. She's definitely not peachy right now. Maybe I should just shrug off that comment and continue. Her fists are clenched at her side…I hope her violent streak hasn't resurfaced. _

_Here goes nothing. I'm taking in a deep breath, as if that's gonna prepare me. **"She had changed. Look, she's not expecting to see you here, and she and I just had a fight. Well, I just tossed some criticism at her. She still cares about you, no matter what she tells herself and everyone else. Just be warned that she may be cold towards you." **_

**_"Look, bitch, go back to your master so she can get her leash back on you. I don't need you trying to 'help' me, if that's even what you're doing. Oil and water don't mix, so I'm out of here," _**_and now she is flipping me off. Damn it, I knew I should have talked to Marco. _

_**End Hazel's POV**_

_**Begin Paige's POV**_

**You've been walking with ghosts again  
****And living like a shadow of your former self  
****Such a fine line, such a crime**

_Simpson's class is such a bore. The guy is a sleaze, too. Well, I wouldn't know for sure, but there's a rumor going around that he's having an affair with Ms. Hatzilakos. Either that or he was having one. Either way his class isn't too exciting. _

_I'm on my way to the cafeteria for lunch. Hopefully it's not something completely repulsive today. Oh my god. Speaking of repulsive, there's this girl walking a few yards ahead of me wearing this hideous black shirt with khakis. The outfit looks totally outdated. Maybe the shirt is okay, but those pants? Holy shit. **"Alex?"** _

_**End Paige's POV**_

The brunette walking before Paige stopped short in her tracks, fists clenching at her sides. She'd almost hoped she wouldn't run into the blonde before that evening when they would be forced to eat at the same dinner table together. "Paige Michalchuk. What a pleasant surprise to see you walking the same lowly halls as someone like me. Don't you figure they'd have 'popular' designated hallways? It would make sense, seeing as there are already popular tables and popular hangouts…do I have a point?"

Paige opened and closed her mouth a few times, unsure of what to say to the girl now facing her. "Maybe it would make sense. I'll put it in the suggestion box and even throw in 'trailer trash' drinking fountains and 'bully only' bathrooms," she smirked to hide her inner feelings. Subconsciously she fingered the piece of glass in her pocket. "I didn't think I'd have to put up with you until tonight. Was it your choice or my mom's to make you come back here so soon?"

**And I've been stepping outside your waves  
****And nicotine patching my scars and shaves  
****I don't even smoke but your ways  
****Have got me all uptight**

Alex took two steps forward right up to Paige's face and glared down at her from her two-inch superior height. "I came back because I didn't want my enemies to think I'm backing down," she spat. "Next time you send your puppy to me with some lame ass message, I'm going after the source: you. Watch it, Michalchuk. We aren't chill anymore."

**And you've been bitching liabilities  
****And cellophane wrapping my crazy dreams  
****I don't ever boast but your scenes  
****Have shown me I was right

* * *

**

**A/N: **Tell me what you think.


	9. 9 part 1 Realization

**A/N: **Nothing much to say right now except that this chapter has two parts beginning now. After the next part after this there may be two, maybe three, more chapters. It depends on if my imagination can keep working. Yeah. Damn that writer's block. After days of trying to write this chapter I realized I wanted too much to happen at once: hence the splitting into two parts. By now I think you've noticed that I do a heck of a lot of realizing when writing…weird: Kind of ironic, considering the title of this story. Here's the update.

**Song: **Walking and Thinking by Ra

**Part 9, first half: Realization**

_**From the air I see your loneliness  
**__**You carry on despite your fear  
**__**Inside a box you keep your sanity  
**__**And it will never see clear to me**_

Dinner at the Michalchuk's had been awkward to say the least. Paige's parents had tried desperately to strike up conversation several times, but the majority of noise was the clinking of utensils against plates. Paige's parents were mystified by the tension between her and Alex. Her mother even commented briefly, only to be denied an answer.

The two said nothing to each other, besides the rare 'can you pass the salt?' followed by a curt 'thank you.' After the meal, the dishes were done in silence, and then both girls retreated to their respective rooms to do homework.

At school the next day, neither spoke walking into Degrassi. They walked keeping as much distance between themselves. Giggles and snippets of rumors met them: all surrounding Alex's reason for absence and her unexpected return the day before. Paige unintentionally cringed at what she heard: it was back to the old days, when Alex had no one to go to.

"I don't need your pity, Paige," it was the first time Alex addressed the blonde civilly. "I can live with the rumors. I can't live with you feeling bad in the moment again. Don't act sorry. Just stay out. It's what you wanted. Now we both want it."

"Lexi, you're back from the land of the bitchy!" A familiar voice called from the bottom of the steps where the two still stood. Alex turned to face him, but Paige still looked away. "Come here, Lex. Ditch: we'll have a welcome back party for you."

Alex clenched her fists for a moment, sending pain up her bandaged wrist, and then relaxed. "Maybe later, Jay. I've got some business to take care of here. But I won't say no to you showing me a good time afterwards." She smirked knowing what Jay had in mind.

"So that's it, Jay? You're not going to tell her what you were planning a week ago?" Paige now turned towards the reject and his former prodigy. "Hazel told me everything that happened that day. I know you didn't put Alex in the hospital, but you may as well have. I may as well have, too, damn it, but what you were planning definitely could have done it."

Alex fumed. "Didn't I just finish telling you to butt out of my life, Paige? You had your chance to be devoted, and I think I would have been better off with this lying dog right here." She jabbed with her thumb in Jay's direction. "Sorry sweetie. You're a dog, but I like your bite."

_**Over the hills, the light, it flows  
**__**It shows the angels laughing  
**__**Where is the love that we're supposed to find?**_

"This cute little bad boy puppy dog was plotting something. If he'd carried it out, you wouldn't like him too much anymore. Believe me, his act isn't so much bite as it is bark," Paige stepped up to Jay and gave him a small shove. _Why am I sticking up for her?_ Paige asked herself. _She's just going to bitch at me for interfering. _"Hazel told me everything. I was at home kicking myself when she called. She was going to vote me off the squad under the assumption that I would blame you. According to Jay's logic, you would go running back to him."

Alex turned towards Paige and they locked eyes. "Would you have blamed me? Would you have blamed what _I_ understood to be _mutual_ feelings for other people's idiocy?" Icy shards of hatred shot from her eyes.

"No I wouldn't have blamed_us_. To tell the truth, I told Hazel to stuff it, that I was quitting the squad anyway to get the girls off your case." Paige sighed. "I yelled at her for taking advice from Jay, hung up on her, then she called back and told me that you…Whatever. This isn't about me. Your boy toy here was willing to destroy you just to get back his control over you…and I beat him to the punch and ruined you first. Whatever, do you call that devotion?"

_**Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming  
**__**Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind**_

"I don't know. Do you call leaving me on the steps of Degrassi devotion? That was heart shattering to the extreme of public humiliation! I can take care of myself. I don't need you watching over me," Alex yelled. "Just because we're living together doesn't mean we're going to be friends or 'just like sisters' as your weirdo parents put it. We're done now, Paige. Now get the fuck away from me."

* * *

The rest of the school day passed slowly. Alex kept being a bitch to Paige, and vice versa. Alex wanted to listen to Paige, and the cheerleader wanted to know how to say what was in her heart and not her head. That way when Alex actually listened, she'd be hearing something she wanted to hear. 

Once the two were home, things started to get edgy. The first night had been more of an 'okay, I want nothing to do with you, so stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours,' kind of night. Now that the whole gist of the new living arrangements had sunk in, it was time for the domino effect to take its toll.

"Where the hell is my ipod?" Paige yelled, rushing through the living room and on into the kitchen, pushing over pillows and looking under every piece of paper that could be covering her precious portable music device. "I swear to god it was right here on the table!"

"Honey, relax. Alex's walkman was out of batteries, so I told her she could use your ipod for a bit while she took a jog," Paige's mom opened the refrigerator. "You don't mind, do you?"

_**A simple spell cast is broken through  
**__**The force of life decides to bend  
**__**You lay below the sacred stormy skies  
**__**And you will write the end for me**_

"You did what? No, of course I don't mind. Why don't you just give her all of my stuff and my life will be complete!" Paige shrieked and the house seemed to vibrate with sound. "It's not your ipod! You can't just give permission to someone to use something you don't even own! Are you nuts? Where is she jogging?"

"Well," a voice spoke from behind the blonde. "I did jog to Jay's but he wasn't around. Apparently he has a job he's at. So I jogged back _here._" The stiffness in Alex's voice emphasized her last word. It made it clear that it would be a while before she considered the Michalchuk's house her home. "So you don't want me borrowing your stuff, huh? You hate me so much you're gonna start accusing me of stealing now?"

Paige turned around, her mother forgotten, and glared at Alex. "I'm not _accusing_ you of anything. I'm just saying that next time you can't use it unless I personally give you permission. Got it? Same goes for the rest of my stuff."

_**Over the hills, the light, it flows  
**__**It shows the angels laughing  
**__**Where is the love that we're supposed to find?**_

_**Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming  
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind**_

"Oh, I see. So just because we hate each other's guts at school, we can't at least be civil here? Hazel was wrong, you never did change. And I was just starting to believe her." Underneath her tan outer tone, her skin was beet red with anger. "You keep using her as a middleman to give me your lies. Cut the crap, Michalchuk. I'm here right now. Tell me to my face. Did you ever really care about me, or was it all an elaborate plot to get me down? You show no remorse at all for what you did, yet you still act shocked as hell when I yell at you!"

Paige shook her head and snatched her ipod from Alex's hand. "I just don't know what to say to you," her voice softened and cracked with emotion. Her eyes gained a far off look of reminiscence. Before she could say anything else, though, she hardened again. "You know what? I don't have time for you or your problems right now. Mom, there's an emergency Squad meeting at Hazel's. I'm off, and I don't think I'll be back for dinner. Bye."

**_The door will close and I will be denied  
_**_**A dagger thrust into my chest  
**_**_You claim yourself to the victory  
_**_**But it is I... who will rest, in peace**_

After the blonde fled the scene, her mom looked at Alex questioningly. "Are you girls okay? Did something happen?" She placed a hand on her hip, walked over to Alex, and placed her other hand on Alex's shoulder in comfort.

"No, Ms. Michalchuk. We act like this just for fun," sarcasm dripped from her words and stung like the throbbing gash in her wrist. It was almost as if she was reliving everything.

Before Paige's mom could admonish Alex for talking back, the phone rang, and the cheerleader's mom had to answer it. "Hello? Yes, she's here. Oh, yes she did but you weren't around. Would you like to talk to her? Okay, I'll tell her. Take care," she hung up and turned back to the brunette. "That was Jay, hun. He says sorry for missing you and to make it up he wants you to go to his place for dinner since his roommates are out. Are you going to…ok?" Before she could finish, Alex was out the door.

_**Over the hills, the light, it flows  
**__**It shows the angels laughing  
**__**Where is the love that we're supposed to find?**_

_**Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming  
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind**_

_**My mind…

* * *

**_

**A/N: **Okay. The next part of this chapter is very long. A lot happens in it. A common topic of Palex fic occurs in it, but I had to do it despite the lack of originality. I have it ready to post, so you will see. But it was very hard to write, and may be difficult to read because of the content. A little warning ahead of time is that the next update will be rated **M** so if anyone doesn't like sexual assault and abuse...don't read the next chapter. Okay. Yeah. I'll post the next update once I get some finishing touches.

Thank you to my readers for staying with me. This has been fun.


	10. 9 part 2 Realization

**A/N: **Just one more warning before anyone reads further. This chapter is rater **M** for lenguage and intense secenes with mature content. This was extremely hard to write as my life relates to what happens more than I wish it did. It sucked putting Paige and Alex through this, but don't worry, it's coming back together that makes it so worth it.

**Song: **Fallen Rock Zone by Ra

**Part 9, second half**

**_Who do you see standing beside you  
Your shadow is me, and you are mine_**

The feel of the hard pavement beneath her running shoes was comfort to Alex. The slapping of her feet on the road fell in rhythm with the invisible tears rolling down her cheeks. It was when she _wanted_ to cry that her body wouldn't allow it, and it was when she _least_ wanted to cry that her body forced it. She was at a loss for reason: all coherent thought a blurry line between hopeful wishing and rock bottom.

She hadn't paced herself, so when she arrived at Jay's she was out of breath. Alex could almost smell the six packs of beer through the crack under the door as she inhaled deeply to calm her nerves. It was embarrassing to have fought with Paige like that in front of the woman who was now Alex's guardian. Sighing she knocked on Jay's door.

"Lexi, you made it!" Jay grinned and let the brunette step inside the apartment. "Sorry to have missed you earlier. I was at work and then I had to extend an invitation to a good friend of ours to join us…hey, is it raining or something? Your face is wet." He turned his head to shout into the adjacent room. "Chad, buddy, look out the window: Is it raining?" Jay continued to smile stupidly as he took Alex by the arm. "Lex, let's go into the kitchen and grab a beer. I want to talk to you about something important."

_**What do you want you sick, little pervert  
I'll hunt you down for all of time**_

"Rain? No, I jogged through a sprinkler," Alex slowly took everything in. "Wait: what the hell is Chad doing here? This interferes with the case, you know that? This could fuck everything up!" It was a chore for her to keep her voice down as Jay ushered her into the kitchen. Chad's laughter could be heard mingled with sounds of the TV.

**Cut to Paige at Hazel's house**

The blonde knocked on Hazel's door, shaking off her false rage towards Alex. _Why can't I just say I love her?_ After too many long moments of nobody answering the door, Paige got quite annoyed. She slowly turned the doorknob, hoping an alarm would not sound. "Hello, anyone here?" She called through the now ajar door. "The message said to be here at four-thirty, I thought. Is this some kind of joke?"

"We're in the living room, Paige," Hazel shouted back. "Grab a soda from the fridge and get comfortable in here. We have something important to discuss with you," an uncomfortable silence hung over the house. Paige entered.

**_A fallen rock zone  
A broken back bone  
I want to hear you scream into your cell phone_**

Once she had gotten a diet cola from the kitchen, Paige went into the living room to find every girl in the squad seated in couches and chairs with one overstuffed armchair left. She dropped her lightly packed backpack on the floor and made her way over to the chair where she sat down. Upon sitting, Paige realized that from her point of view, every pair of eyes was focused on her. "Guys, what's going on?" Frowning she noticed Hazel appear in the doorway. "Hazel, is there something up with the squad or not? I have homework to deal with, so this better not be a waste of…"

"Cut the crap, Paige. We're here because there's something up with you. Actually, there are a few things upwith you," Hazel entered fully into the room and sat where some girls made room for her on the edge of a sofa. "We're worried about you. There are some things you need to hear from us. You won't listen to me alone, so maybe when you hear all of us you can come to your senses."

From questioning to steely and hard went Paige's facial expression. Her lower lip trembled as the shaking of her voice was suppressed. She felt saved, but she lied to herself and told herself that she was feeling betrayal. "Why does it seem that everybody thinks I'm full of crap today? I'm not the one with problems," absentmindedly she fingered the piece of mirror in her pocket.

"First, we need you to take your hand out of your pocket. While you're at it, take out the piece of glass you're playing with and roll up your sleeves," Hazel fixed Paige with a stern look that said she wasn't joking. This was serious. No more would she let her friend hurt herself and the girl she loves.

**_You're just a traitor, eleventh grader  
A cyber sex addicted masturbator _**

"I don't know what you're talking about. Is this…is this some kind of intervention? You think I'm crazy, don't you?" Paige stood and reached for her backpack. "I can't believe you of all people are against me. You talk about me being hurt? What are you doing to me right _now_?" she stormed out and went to the front door. She tried to open it but it was locked and needed a key to be opened. "This is insane! It's kidnapping! Let me out!"

Hazel and another one of the girls took her by an arm and gently pulled her back towards the living room. "Just relax, Paige. We aren't trying to hurt you, and we don't think you're crazy." Thankfully Paige didn't struggle, and the two seated her back in her chair. "We just think that you're in denial. You know it, Paige. You're in love with Alex."

_**Cowardly punk, you make me nauseous  
Misguided fool, you have no balls**_

Silently Paige reached into her pocket and removed the piece of mirror. It was now stained with her own blood, as well as Alex's. She rolled up her sleeves and revealed old and new scars. Finally she spoke. "I don't know why I do this," she sighed when her friends nodded towards the Band-Aid on her finger and she took it off. "That one wasn't intentional. When I'm nervous I play with the glass in my pocket. It makes me feel like she's with me and everything's okay. One time I accidentally gripped it too hard. That's all."

"So you admit it, then? You're in love with her?" The girl who spoke had softness in her eyes. "We're all sorry for how cruel we were. Man, Paige, you're in deep. Hazel chewed us out and we finally saw beyond our own ignorance. You don't have to be scared anymore. We want you to be happy. So, if Alex makes you happy…you should be with her."

"No, she hates me. Every time I try to talk to her, the wrong words come out. And then she starts yelling at me," the piece of glass in her hand moved toward her exposed arm. She didn't realize it but she was about to dig into her skin again. "It's not worth it. I'm better off finding someone new. I'll get over it." A rush of movement before her flashed into her mind before she blacked out and lost all sense of real time.

**Cut back to Alex at Jay's place**

"Lexi, I know you aren't supposed to be around him or your mom until the case is over because it might jeopardize the case, but that's only if they try to talk to you about it. Right, Lex?" Jay's voice was lilt; he was exercising his persuasive ability. "I made it clear to him that he's here just as a friend, and he's not to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Jay, you son of a bitch, how can I not feel uncomfortable around him? He beat up me and my mom on a regular basis," Alex shouted. She wanted the bastard to hear her hatred. "Why the hell did you invite him? This was supposed to be about me and you getting to know each other again. Or was that a lie you told Ms. Michalchuk just to get me over here?"

"Calm down, Lex. The reason I wanted you to come over, Chad too, was so that we could all have a good time together and maybe let bygones be bygones," Jay gripped Alex firmly by her shoulders. The door slammed open as Chad entered the room. "I was just so glad that you were coming back to me…"

_**Stalking young girls, preying on weakness  
Bent on a life with bars for walls**_

Alex shoved Jay back and slapped him hard. Her hand stung upon impact, but she didn't mind. What hurt was her injured wrist. "Ow, fuck! Jay, I'm not coming back to you. Not yet. Yeah, I figured we could do some fooling around. But I'm not about to get gonorrhea again."

"You little slut, don't you fucking hit me," Jay roared. Chad was to the side, his face getting red. "I haven't been sleeping around the ravine at all in a really long time. Come on, you and me. You knew what was coming when you agreed to come over, and don't deny it," he grabbed her shoulders again and pushed her against a wall.

"I knew you'd want it, but I knew I'd reject it. And I am. I will not have sex with you after one day of being on redemption road. You still have a hell of a lot to make up for," Alex squirmed under his grasp and tried to break free. "Let go of me, asshole. I want to go home."

Chad downed the rest of his beer, which happened to be the fourth of the day so far, and stepped next to Jay. "Watch your mouth, what would your mother think if she heard you?" His words were slurred and he wobbled on his feet a little.

_**A fallen rock zone  
Stealing my tongue  
I want to hear you scream into your cell phone**_

"You…don't you fucking talk about my mother! You have no right," Alex spat, literally, saliva flying from her mouth and landing near his eye. "Bastard: I'll never forgive you. My mom might blindly love you enough to forgive you on a daily basis, but you're scum. Jay." She pushed against Jay again and momentarily freed herself. "Let me get to the door, Jay. Get out of my way."

This time Chad grabbed her and shoved her. She fell backwards, bent over a small table, and he rammed his fist into the side of her face. While she was down, Jay grabbed her from the bottom and pushed her so that her body was completely on the table. She barely moved, too stunned by Chad's blow. "Stupid bitch, I didn't mean it. I just wanted to teach her a lesson for spitting in my face," he grunted and walked to the fridge for another beer. When he returned, Alex's foot came out and hit him in his crotch. "Mother fucking whore! Don't touch me there unless you want it, little girl."

Jay took a flask of vodka from his back pocket, took a swig, and then moved over to Alex's face. "You want it, right Lexi? That is why you came. You knew it was going to happen and you want it." He forced her mouth open and poured some liquor down her throat. "What do you say we give it to her, Chad buddy? A little two on one never hurt anybody." He laughed. "Maybe then she'll realize her mistake in running after that chick. Hear that, Lex? We're gonna show you what you've been missing," the former Degrassi student thrust his hip towards her face and patted the bulge inside his jeans.

_**You're just a traitor, eleventh grader  
A cyber sex addicted masturbator**_

Alex felt the vomit rise to her mouth. She tasted it mixed with the vodka that was spilled in her mouth and over her face. She did like liquor, but she despised it when it was forced down her throat. "Jay, don't do this. If you ever want to regain my trust, don't do this," she coughed only to have a fist come down on the other side of her face. Seconds later fingers groped and squeezed her breasts very hard; she almost couldn't suppress her cry of pain.

As Jay's hands grabbed her by the base of her head where it met her neck, forcing her to let him kiss her and shove his tongue down her throat, she felt Chad straddle her legs. Rough hand slipped under her shirt and forcibly inside her bra, while Chad ran his hand along her thighs, and she felt like filthy mud with crawling insects was being poured over her entire body. A different pair of hands then went to the button on her pants, but didn't undo the button. Instead they pulled, and the button fell off. She knew what was coming next. Just as Jay was shoving her legs painfully open, and Chad was moving up her torso with his own pants undone, towards her face, the phone rang. "Shit, what are we doing?"

_**Yeah we've all seen it before,  
**_**_How some people just...hunt and prey on women_**

**Cut back to Hazel's house**

The girls had just taken the piece of glass from Paige, who was now staring at her scarred, bloody arms, when the doorbell rang. The blonde's face was streaked with tears, and Hazel hated to leave her side for a moment, but she had to answer the door, leaving Paige with the rest of the Spirit Squad.

Hazel hesitated before opening the door. She wasn't done with Paige, and she wasn't sure she wanted to have to put up with an interruption. However, the doorbell rang and her manners took control. She wasn't about to leave someone standing on the front stoop.

When she opened the door, she almost gasped. "Oh my god, what happened?" The sight that greeted her was Alex, beaten and battered, bruised, with one hand clutching her shirt and the other holding her pants up. The whole of Degrassi had seen a fair share of a beaten up Alex during her bully days, but there was something wrong about this. "Come in, sit down. I'll get you clothes and a blanket. Do you want hot coco or tea?" She stepped aside and let Alex in, closing the door behind her. She smelled vomit and booze, and her fears became stronger.

_**The next time you see a guy put his hands on a girl  
**_**_And she don't want him to put his hands on her, _**

"I didn't know where else to come. I didn't want to go to the Michalchuk's. They'd question me. I knew if I came here you'd let me relax before making me spill," Alex shivered and winced in pain. Her wrist had been damaged more during the ordeal at Jay's, and she worried it might be sprained. "Just let me sit down."

"Alex, there's something I need to tell you before we go into the other room," Hazel began but it was too late. They had reached the living room and Alex was graced with the scene of Paige sobbing into her hands with a group of girls trying to comfort her. "Ok, well, I guess we should leave the two of you alone.

**_You tell him he's a punk,  
_****_You tell him he's a fucking punk!

* * *

_**

The two girls, blonde and brunette, sat alone in Hazel's living room. Paige took hold of one of Alex's hands in both of her own, and Alex covered Paige's hands with her other. "This whole time you've been hurting yourself because you hurt me. Kind of like that saying, what goes around comes around. You could have just told me the truth, that you were scared. I mean, maybe you were scared because you thought you needed to be strong for me…but look at us now," her tears fell freely and for once she didn't hide it.

"Yeah, look at us. I'm a cutter and you…Jesus, Alex, what happened to you?" Paige choked on her own heavy sobs. "You look like a train wreck happened on top of you…you're bloody, bruised…you're shaking. Come here," without thinking Paige moved to wrap her arms around Alex. To her surprise the girl stiffened and pulled back. "Alex, who did this, whatever this is? Was it Chad or Jay? You can tell me…I'm ready to listen…I'm ready to look at reality with an honest heart."

Alex laughed grimly, then winced and gripped her side in pain. "Jay…I went to his apartment because he wanted to make it up to me for missing me when I stopped by," another involuntary laugh captured her speech for a moment. "You really have learned how we can share the strength, haven't you?" She coughed and moved closer to Paige, but still refused to let the girl hold her. "He had invited Chad without telling me. How convenient. Anyway, we fought, he expected sex, I told him to fuck off, and I slapped him. Without going into details…him and Chad both tried to…They pushed me onto a table and…"

_**A fallen rock zone  
A broken back bone  
**_**_I want to hear you scream into your cell phone  
_**_**You're just a traitor, eleventh grader  
A cyber sex addicted masturbator**_

Paige gasped and with that she was finally broken. "They tried to rape you," was all she said. She gently pulled Alex's face with her fingers so that their eyes locked. They stared at each other, searching each other's souls for answers. Paige was full of understanding for the pain she found in Alex. At last, for she was at a loss for any other words, she said what she knew. "I love you, Alex. I won't hurt you."

For a moment anger flared in Alex's eyes. She didn't know who or what to trust, so she certainly couldn't trust herself. But then those doubtful feelings subsided. "Paige…I feel like bugs are crawling over me and in me. They won't get off. I try and try to scratch them, but they won't leave me alone." She dropped her arms from where they were wrapped around her shoulders and revealed shallow scratch marks. "I can't see them crawling, but I feel them. I feel dirt and scum. It's like because Jay was inside me I've got him inside me forever."

Once more Paige tried to hold Alex. At first the other girl closed off and tightened again. "Alex, let me hold you. I can help you through this…and in that you can give me the help I never had. Strong together: you said that. Now I believe…" Without waiting for an answer, she threw her arms around Alex and they both fell to their knees on the floor.

Alex tried to bury herself in Paige's embrace. Finally something was happening that they both longed for. At last they could both find closure. "Paige, don't let go. Even if I fight and try to leave you here, don't let go. Just keep holding me. Make me feel like we're dancing again…when we danced no pain existed." She sighed and nuzzled closer to Paige, sliding onto her lap and enjoyed feeling safe. "I love you too."

* * *

**A/N:** Hmm. What can I say about when I'm posting this right now? It's 6:21AM, I haven't showered, and I'm absolutely positive that I'm going to miss my bus for the second time this week. Yep, It's going to be one of those days. But then again I've got Palex writing to cheer me up! Tell me what you think! 


	11. 10 Realization

**A/N: **Severe writer's block has really delayed this chapter. I apologize. I also apologize because there is no actual "song" for this chapter. I do not have the greatest repertoire of music in my knowledge of music.

**So** instead of a song I have integrated a **poem** into this chapter.

The **poem** is called **Stripped** and it is written by **yours truly**

Yes. I am indeed a poet. I'm not that good, but I try. I wrote **Stripped** quite a while ago. And one day in the shower it struck me that I might use it in this story

A **random** tidbit before we make it to the chapter: It's strange, but the shower seems to be a fountain of inspiration. For some strange reason it always cures my writer's block. Or maybe I just need to get myself a padded room in an insane asylum. Here you go. Chapter 10.

**P.S.** **Mini Menzel**, I know you know that I know who you are. Thanks for your enthusiastic reviews. It was also you that made me realize I should use this poem in this chapter. Whenever you've heard me read it, you've given me kudos. Thanks. It means a lot. One more thing before I talk to you at school tomorrow...**no fucking green m&m's!**

**Part 10: Realization**

**You thought you had me.  
****In your strong, rough hands I shook.  
****I didn't think I wanted it, wanted you.  
****But I wasn't sure, did I make it clear?  
****Did you hear my pained whispers and cries of no?**

They sat on the couch, a short distance from each other, just one hour after their emotional 'reunion.' Alex felt like she did in the hospital bed: when she had been shaking and in tears she felt the need for Paige's arms, but now that she was relaxed she needed her personal space. But only a little personal space; she still liked feeling that the blonde was there with her.

There was that trust issue again. She didn't distrust Paige, that wasn't it at all. Quite the contrary, she felt that she loved the cheerleader with every ounce of her being. The fact was that Alex's being didn't trust Alex. _Violation can do that to a person,_ she thought ruefully. Any sort of human contact was sort of out of the question at the moment; at least until things were talked out. After everything, there was still the question of what to tell the Michalchuks.

**When you had me pushed against the wall, your body pressing mine,  
****Did I only imagine I struggled, pushed, and shoved?  
****You touched me and then my mind blanked out.**

"Don't worry about my parents, Alex," Paige sighed. She wanted to lay a comforting hand on Alex. She wanted to gently stroke her back and tell her everything was going to be ok. But she also knew that Alex would most likely feel even more violated at any unasked for physical contact. "First and foremost, you should probably…well, it's not a matter of should and shouldn't. I bet you really want a shower right now," another sigh wracked her body as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Alex grumbled. "I just can't go back to your house yet, Paige. Not like this. Your parents might just see me as unruly and unfit to be in their care," she shook her head. "I don't even know what I'm saying. I guess I'm just really shaken up," attempting a smile, she ventured a little closer to Paige on the couch. "I knew he wasn't happy about my switch to the other team, and I knew he wanted me back. I just didn't know how much. I mean, how could he say we could be happy together and then show it by trying to rape me? Love can't be forced. It's not love; it is condemnation and torture."

**Next thing I know, I'm on the road running.  
****My memory breaks, and I'm under the shower, steamy water streaming.  
****Down in the drain, there's no dirt disappearing.  
****The filth is inside me, with you and your crime.**

Paige looked Alex in her eyes, glanced down at her hands, then looked back to Alex. The brunette nodded and Paige laid one hand on her arm. The blonde nearly pulled back when her friend flinched, but decided to leave the hand there. "I know, Alex. I know what it's like," her eyes burned into Alex's; and inside them were confusion. "Look, I know you don't want my parents to see you like this. But if they knew what happened, they wouldn't toss you out. Shower here: I'm sure Hazel would be more than glad."

That wasn't the best move the blonde could have made, and she realized it when Alex jumped up from the couch and fixed Paige in a hard glare. "You couldn't possibly know what it's like to feel as if _filth_ was crawling and alive, permanently glued to your insides and out," she wrapped her arms around her own shoulders and hunched up. It was almost like she was trying to hide from demons watching from every corner. "I feel…"

**Curled up under the blankets on the guest bed,  
****I'm defiling my grandparents' home with my shame  
****You pushed me to the point I'm eternally alone, afraid.  
****Your voice is in my ear, mingled with my muffled screams.  
****When did that happen? What was it you did?**

"You feel like nothing is real," Paige cut her off. She slowly rose to her feet and took a step towards Alex. "The paint on the ceiling, the-the grass on the lawn, each car horn that sounds on your way to school: nothing is real. It's all a dream turned into a nightmare by the memory of his hands. That's the only thing that's real in the nightmare because you hear his words and your screams on repeat in your head." Silence fell upon the room and both girls closed their eyes.

**All I remember is my flight from your actions.  
****All I see are your needy hands bruising me and feeling me.**

Finally Alex spoke. "So, those rumors about you and some soccer player a couple of years ago, hooking up at a party?" She raised her line of vision up to see Paige looking away. A hurt expression graced her features. "You didn't hook up. He hooked you up, and then threw you in the trash. Just like a fish that's too small to keep. He's a bastard, you know? They all are. There were so many rumors about you. I only heard the rape story once, but to tell the truth I had my doubts. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Alex, I can be here for you. My parents will be with you every step of the way. They were there for me, and now you're family. You can press charges, but let's not think of that now," Paige smiled and shook her head. "We'll get through this together, hon. Let's get you into that shower. The dirt won't wash off in one day, but in time it will fade. Reality will slow down to normal when…when the time is right for sanity."

**Next thing I see, on memory's TV screen, is the blurred ground beneath my feet.  
****The seagull's screech up above, reminds me of unwanted, refused, received love.  
****Crawling up my flesh are scars, results and proof of my abuse,  
****For the whole world to see what you did to me.

* * *

**

**Years have passed, as well as my physical torment.  
****I'm sure you remember how I squirmed in your grasp,  
****And how I tried to avert my eyes from your withering glare  
****You think you have me now, just as you had me then.  
****Trapped standing still while the world lives, spinning around me.  
****You have no idea, you cannot comprehend, that I'm moving forward  
****And I'm breathing again.**

The next day was new at the Michalchuk's residence. Paige was on the couch again, but this time she wasn't complaining. Alex was curled up in Paige's bed, wide awake. She couldn't close her eyes without feeling like she was back on the kitchen table at Jay's place. She knew, however, that she was safe.

As the morning became afternoon, she went downstairs. She hadn't shown herself to Paige's parents yet. That night she and Paige had come home at night. Alex immediately had gone to Paige's room, without asking any questions. She knew that Paige wouldn't let her refuse the bed.

It was time to tell the Michalchuks everything. When things calmed down, possibly in two days, she would add the attempted rape charge to Chad's neglect and child endangerment charges. The case against her mom would be stronger, too. She didn't wish to hurt her mom, but she knew that without this case her mom wouldn't be able to get help for her alcohol problem.

She didn't know where she and Paige were going. Of course she wanted to pursue the relationship. It was great to have someone who understood her pain. After all they had been through this certainly had been an emotional way to be brought back together. All the faith she had left within her was telling her that she and Paige would someday have a future.

**I still hear your voice, like yesterday's song,  
****You're being backed up by my whimpers and sighs.  
****Your face haunts my nightmares, but my strength lightens my dreams.  
****As hard as it seems, I manage to live.  
****I know I have someone with soft love to give.

* * *

**

**A/N:** Yes, I know. This chapter wasn't the best. I think the next chapter will take place a couple weeks in the future. So you'll get your fill of Palex cuddles. Now, here's the big question. This story will be done in a couple chapters. Sequel is possible. Yes? No? Tell me what you want.


	12. 11 Realization

**A/N: **This may be the second to last chapter. I might have a sequel idea. And I am very willing to write a sequel. It just may take a while to get it started.

The chapter prior to this one wasn't too great. It was very awkward writing it. I wasn't sure how to advance the story. But oh well, such is life. Thank you so much for reading this and following along with it as you have. It means a lot!

**Song:** You Must Love Me from Evita

**Part 11**

**Where do we go from here?  
This isn't where we intended to be  
We had it all, you believed in me  
I believed in you  
**

Alex and Paige sat in the back seat of a car on either side, with their hands in their laps. Not a word was being spoken. Alex's lawyer, courtesy of the Michalchuks, was in the front passenger seat, and Paige's mom was driving. It had been a long two weeks since that day in Hazel's living room.

_**(Alex's POV)**_

_I hope she doesn't hate me. I wish I could bring myself to look into her eyes like I once did. I remember how it felt that day on her bed when we first kissed. I saw through her eyes and knew that she had part of my soul inside her; it was that part of me I needed to make me whole. _

_It's still there, I know. She has me in her heart, and she in mine. I want more than anything to take her in my arms and kiss her fears away, because I know her fears and they're for me. There's enough worry in my life when I have her pain and mine. But now she's worried about me…she needn't be. _

_This car ride isn't too cheerful. But it wouldn't be, would it? We're on our way to conference with Chad and his lawyer. I still haven't told anyone, except Paige, about Jay's part in that evening's…incident._

_God, I wish I could find something else to call it, other than 'the incident.' That's not what it was. Well, ok, it certainly was an incident but it seems so cold and heartless to call it that. It's almost like saying it was nothing but an incident. But it was so much more. It was damning. It was…something that I sometimes wish was a nightmare, but I'd rather it be real than a dream. If it were a dream it could come back any time it wanted. _

**  
Certainties disappear  
What do we do for our dream to survive?  
How do we keep all our passions alive  
As we used to do?  
**

_It still haunts me, but it will fade. That's something that Paige told me, and I trust it. I trust her. Then why can't I look at her? Why can't I touch her? I'm afraid of myself, that's why. I'm afraid that when I touch her I'll remember what Jay and Chad tried to do…almost did. _

_Still, I know she must understand what I'm going through. She told me all about Dean. I can't believe the bastard got off. But she said he wore a condom. I hate it when sickos are smart. Thank god Jay and Chad aren't. I'm thinking I'll tell Ms. Creighton, after today's meeting, about Jay. _

_But back to me and Paige…I need her. And I need her to know how I feel. I guess it's time to get over my fear, because underneath it all I've been missing her lips on mine and her arms around me._

_**(End Alex's POV)  
**_**_  
_Deep in my heart I'm concealing  
Things that I'm longing to say_  
_Scared to confess what I'm feeling  
Frightened you'll slip away  
**

The two glanced over at each other and exchanged worried smiles. Sighing, Paige moved her hand to the middle of the back seat, between them. Alex breathed heavily. _It's either now or never,_ she thought as she looked at the rearview mirror: Mrs. Michalchuk was focused on the road, eyes nowhere near the girls.

This was a moment she'd been hoping for, the moment of her bravery starting to shine through. The last month had been a test of her emotions, and the build up of desire didn't help matters much. She put her hand over Paige's and fixed her in a gaze of longing.

The blonde nodded, eyes softening in understanding and realization. She wouldn't be sleeping on the couch that night. She'd be in the arms of the girl she loved. Her eyes sent a message to Alex, asking 'are you sure?' Paige couldn't help but smile warmly at the affectionate squeeze her hand received. She brought Alex's hand to her lips and gently kissed her knuckles. _Things are finally settling down._

**  
You must love me  
You must love me

* * *

**

The day was finally over. Chad was in an outrage, but the young couple couldn't care less about him. They shut the door to Paige's bedroom with a soft thud and tossed their handbags to the floor. Before Paige could say anything, before she could turn her back to the door, Alex wrapped her arms around her from behind. "Thank you," she whispered.

Paige turned in Alex's arms and looked silently at the tears on her cheeks. "Thank you…for what? I don't understand…though if this is my reward, I'm not complaining," she smiled and rested her head on Alex's chest. The brunette's perfume invaded her senses. It was a mixture of lavender and lilac. "You always smelled good, you know? Even before we got close…I'd walk by and you'd always smell like something…exotic."

"Thank you for being by me through this, Paige," Alex ran her fingers through Paige's hair. "I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around…I've snapped at you, shut you out, yet still expected you to be with me; and you have. Thanks for putting up with my crap." She softly kissed the top of Paige's head.

"Please, don't thank me…it's not even the least I can do after everything I put your through…I want us to work, you know that right?" Looking up, Paige met Alex's lips. "Let's not talk about this, okay? Tabula rasa: a clean slate. That's what this is…you and me starting over…being happy. I love you," again their lips met.

**  
Why are you at my side?  
How can I be any use to you now?  
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how  
Nothing has changed  
**

**_(Paige's POV)_**

_Wow, I didn't expect that one. She's thanking me? She should be forcing me to beg on my hands and knees. I should be thanking her. But then again, I understand why she feels like she needs to thank me. I too was distant and cruel when Dean raped me. I felt in debt of all my friends who stood by me, most of all Spinner. Shit, that wasn't the best time of my life and they helped me…start living again._

_But like I said: tabula rasa. For both of us to get through this we need to put that all behind us. Right now I'm focusing on her hand on my back, slowly making its way down…oh god I've missed kissing her. I can definitely get used to this being a normal thing._

_I love how her kisses always taste sweet and new. Each time our lips touch, I seem to get even more of a rush than the kiss before. Sparks fly higher each time and I know that we're meant to be. _

_**(End Paige's POV)**_

**  
Deep in my heart I'm concealing  
Things that I'm longing to say  
Scared to confess what I'm feeling  
Frightened you'll slip away  
**

Alex's heart beat faster and faster as her breath became ragged. Adrenaline soared through her system: she'd never felt this way before. Sure, she'd slept with plenty of guys. But she'd never been in love. That's why, as her hands roamed Paige's body and the blonde kissed slowly down her neck, she was once again afraid.

"Paige…Paige, wait," she cupped Paige's face in her hands and brought their lips together in a passionate kiss. "Not…not now, Paige," she smiled when she saw that she hadn't been the only one crying. They both had shed tears, and their eyes were still wet.

**You must love me  
You must love me  
**

"What? Is something wrong: is this too much?" If it hadn't been this night and this moment, Paige would have worried for Alex. But she saw that look in her lover's eyes. It was vulnerability. Paige smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear.

"No, nothing is wrong…this is perfect. It's just…I need you to hold me tonight…just be with me," Alex kissed Paige again. "I feel like I just need to soak all of this in right now…because all of the things I'm feeling…I love you, Paige. The thing is…I don't just love you. I'm in love with you…so…hold me?"

Paige nodded. No words needed to be said, because she saw that Alex knew the feelings were mutual. Instead she took Alex by the hand and led her to the bed. That night they fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. Their dreams were not disturbed by images of Chad, Jay, or Dean. Their dreams were filled with kisses, each of them meaningful.

**You must love me**


	13. 12 Final Realization

**Reviewers:**

**AscaDuin: **You were my first reviewer. There's always an extra brownie point bonus for that! Thank you for your feedback and sticking with this story to its end. I hope to see your name on the reviews for the sequel, when it comes.

**DushkusBitch: **Thanks for the advice you gave me, I think it was in your second review on this story. As much as I love reviews, it is the number of hits that tell the true story. And boy do I love those hits, lol! Your review for Part 7 was a highlight for me. Yes, Alex is worthy of glassy-eyed-ness. Thanks for the added spanking in that review. Much appreciated.

**The T.M.: **I love reviews. Wish I could say that's the bottom line, but hell no. I love it when people like my song choices, and I'm glad the usage of How Soon Is Now pleased you. That was early on in the story and you stayed with it all the way. Muchas gracias, mi amigo. Until the sequel, I bid you adieu.

**WolfkidX: **Damn, child, don't you ever get off your sugar highs! I looked forward to your reviews for each chapter 'cause they gave me a huge percentage of my motivation to keep writing: Gotta love that enthusiasm. In your first review you mentioned that you had minions…I'd very much like for you to explain that to me at some point…

**Melleh1: **Your reviews are so constructive. You continually gave specifics of what you liked in the story. Not only are you awesome for following the story, you're awesome for pointing out what details were worth continuing with. For example: Elaboration. Much thanks to you.

**Spashluv: "**wow i have been following along and keeping up with this fic it is awesome i like how you portrayed Alex it was different but still she was somehow the same old Alex"…That was your second review on my story. You didn't review every chapter, but that doesn't matter because I knew you were reading and following along. Thanks a lot. Your reviews are way up there with the rest. Peace.

**Palex MicNunez: **Is this the 'oh so lazy one' who I couldn't get to read this when I first started? My God, I think it is! Well, I'm glad you've enjoyed it now that you've gotten off your lazy bum! Thank you so much, sweetie. And yes, you did babble. But I didn't tell you because I love your babble. 333

**Anyone I may have forgotten…**I most certainly have not forgotten your support. I could go on and on, but then all of this could get longer than the chapter itself.

**A/N:**

**Well**, this is it. For me, ending a story is always like a wedding: it's happy, but there are always tears. Hah, it sounds weird but it is true. Whether I am reading or writing, I get attached. I have enjoyed writing this and even though it is continuing in a sequel, it's hard to say that this is the end. Yeah, I know, I'm weird. **But without weird people this world would be boring.** Enjoy…

**Part 12: Final Realization**

**This is my Destiny only child  
****Come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild  
****This is my selection when I'm sure  
****Not looking for deception like before**

Her lips tasted like candy this time. They did a lot of the time, but this time it was special. This time they weren't rushing for fear of being caught. Her lips were moving slowly and intimately across Alex's, and she didn't care who was staring. Paige just loved to taste those lips.

It was a month into the case against Chad and Jay, on their attempted rape of Alex. The brunette didn't seem to have a worry. In fact, it appeared that she was dealing with it far better than Paige did with her rape. Okay, maybe she wasn't dealing with it better, but she _was_ dealing with it differently.

**Beautiful creation I adore  
****This sensation never…felt before**

Alex wasn't having as much of a trust issue as Paige did. Sure, there were times when she was quite on the edge. But instead of pushing away love, she embraced it. _You never know what can happen, so ya better indulge in what you have while there's still time. This is definitely worth the risk…_

Those were the thoughts running through her subconscious as she and Paige sat on a desk in Mr. Simpson's classroom, making out like…well, making out like teenagers. Alex trusted Paige and boy was she happy with that. It was as if nothing could go wrong amidst the whispers flittering around the room. That was of course until Mr. Simpson walked in.

"Now, girls, I heard rumors that my _boring_ class needed some spicing up," he laughed at his own joke before it was done. "But don't you think this is pushing it a little?" A ripple of laughter filled the four-walled room, but quickly subsided. There were still some cold faces that were disgusted by the public displays.

**How can I change the path that I'm on?  
****This is my Destiny  
****This is my life my own right or wrong  
****Bring it on back to me**

"Well, Mr. Simpson," Paige began as she discreetly locked ankles with Alex underneath the desk. "I wasn't aware that this scintillating class needed spicing up. Being here each day is a highlight of my teenage drama-filled life." More laughter went around and the blonde gave Alex a peck on the cheek. "If this is too much, though, what do you suggest?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe a little more effort on your next assignment wouldn't hurt," Snake smirked and put his sack upon his desk. "In all seriousness, though, these desks weren't made to withstand such…usage. Perhaps the class will be more interesting if you take your seats and log onto the web. Now would be good, ladies. And don't think I don't know what you're doing under the desks when I'm not looking. There are other times for such things when I'm not giving a lesson."

Paige gave Alex a sly look as she slid off of the desk. Alex followed suit and they stole a few more quick kisses before sitting down. Their hands were clasped between them, and everything felt perfect. It wasn't like there were no whispers of cruel slurs or rumors. Of course the whole class was sending d-mails all around concerning the couple reunited.

**How can I say what it is that I want?  
****Wisdom speak to me  
****Life your sweet then the moment is gone **

Now they were both getting taunting messages. Those who knew of Alex's breakdown in the girl's bathroom, practically the whole school, were slipping business cards for various psychiatrists into her locker. People were sending her information on local insane asylums and psychiatric treatment. Pretty much, Alex was a punching bag again. This time, however, a significant part of Paige's Spirit Squad friends were in support.

**This is my Destiny**

Lunch time came and the three of them, Paige, Alex, and Hazel, sat at a table. They were poking at their cafeteria food: as usual it wasn't the most appetizing. "I think there's something metal in my salad," Hazel commented. She scrunched up her face and with her plastic fork scooped out a quarter. "Oh, that's just wrong. Who knows where that thing has been?"

"That's nothing," Alex laughed and nibbled warily at her pizza slice. "The other day, in my cheeseburger, there was a clump of hair. No, not a clump; it was like those poofy wispy balls of hair you get when you pull the hair off of your brush. I nearly gagged and puked right there."

She continued to laugh as the other girls looked at her aghast. "Honey, what day was this? I don't remember…" Paige trailed off and appeared to be in deep thought. She couldn't remember when the last time she ate without Alex was. In fact, the three of them had made it into a habit to take lunch together. Alex and Hazel were still having small issues, but over all they were getting along.

**This is my intention hear me now  
****Don't need correction: please me how  
****Breaking out the institution crazy law  
****Aint no complication live for more**

Alex lifted her legs up over Paige's lap, wrapped her arms around her, and softly kissed her cheek. "It was…I think Monday. Yes, remember, you had to meet with Ms. Hatzilakos about that secret thing you won't tell us about," Alex gazed lovingly at her girlfriend and kissed her cheek once more.

"Oh, right. Well, you know, the best way to keep a secret is to forget you have a secret…you know how tempted I am to blurt everything out to you?" Paige chuckled warmly and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "I just forgot I didn't eat with you that day because I was trying to push the secret to the…back of my mind?" Of course she was pushing it. She knew Alex was only teasing her, but she couldn't help but play along and explain herself.

"You two are so sappy, you know that?" Hazel tossed her leftover salad into the nearest garbage can and wiped her hands on a paper napkin. "Really, Nunez, I don't understand how you could ever have gotten a rep for being a bully. You're such a softie," she smirked as Alex gave her shoulder a playful swat. "Hey, I'm just being honest. It's cute, though."

* * *

**This is my Destiny only child  
****Come on and rescue me 'cos I'm wild**

It was nearly time for dinner at the Michalchuk's house, but Paige and Alex didn't have a single worry about time. They lay above the bedding of Paige's bed, hands clasped, looking into each other's eyes. Soft kisses led to gentle caresses, and hands came apart as arms pulled waists closer and bodies met. It was pure bliss, for the girls, to be carefree and feeling safe because they were; they kept each other safe.

After several minutes of constant contact, they broke free and one sought the other's eyes once more. "Paige, you're a goddess…you're so beautiful," Alex nuzzled her nose against Paige's and closed her eyes. "No matter what happens with this case…thank you for being with me all the way through."

"Alex, sweetie, you don't have to keep thanking me…it comes with being a girlfriend, love." Despite her words, Paige still blushed at her girlfriend's thanksgiving. She rewarded the brunette with yet another kiss. It was meant to be quick yet meaningful, but Alex took the opportunity to deepen it. Paige whimpered softly and nearly melted as Alex's tongue lightly brushed her lower lip. "I'm yours always, you know that. Besides, about the case, Jay at least has DNA evidence against him. They got his skin from under your fingernails. It's a good thing you scratched him…rawr, you have talented claws," she giggled as Alex replied with tickles.

**How can I change the path that I'm on?  
****This is my Destiny  
****This is my life my own right or wrong  
****Bring it on back to me**

"Well, I can show you what else these 'claws' can do, if you want," Alex raised an eyebrow suggestively as she continued to tickle Paige. This only succeeded in eliciting more childish giggles and laughs. "They come attached to multi-talented fingers. One of these talents, you see right now: I can tickle you senseless. Don't you love the power sensitive nerve bundles have? Just a little tickle and you lose control."

Without warning, Paige flipped Alex onto her back and moved her fingers across her ribcage. "Eek! Meanie!" Alex let out and uncharacteristic squeal and laughed. _I have to laugh when I'm around you…And I have to be better when I'm around you…_she remembered that day well over a month and a half before perfectly. Right now she was making Paige laugh, and Paige was making her feel better: a perfect match.

**How can I say what it is that I want?  
****Wisdom speak to me  
****Life your sweet then the moment is gone**

Right now: Did it matter if Jay and Chad got let off? Five years from now: Did it matter if they held a grudge and attempted to make her life miserable once more? Every moment of every day: Did it make a difference if she had a tough background? No, the answer for each is 'no.' As long as they had each other; the difference was met with an even number: an equal and better counter attack. Nothing could get between them.

**This is my Destiny...**

**Only child, only child**

**Come on and rescue me**

**'Cos I'm wild...**

**And I'm wild**

_**Fin**_

_**

* * *

**_

**A/N:** There you have it. Thank you for reading. This has been a great time for me and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. I have some sequel ideas, so please do expect another story maybe withing a few weeks. For now, though, I'm going to put some work into my other fanfictions. They have been on hiatus for far too long. **Peace.**

**Resonance Of Wisdom**


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